It has been a brutal and uncompromising winter, possessed of endless snowstorms and record low temperatures, fleets of vehicles sliding sideways down the interstates, roofs collapsing from the weight of their burdens, frozen lakes that almost never freeze. And that was just in Atlanta. Okay, an exaggeration there at the end, but only a slight one. The Winter of 2015 has been a nightmare for all our friends up North, and this year “up North” is just about everywhere topside of the Florida state line. Boston is on the verge of receiving its greatest snowfall in recorded history (and because that’s how Bostonians are, the populace is standing out in the streets banging their shovels and chanting “FOUR MORE INCHES!”)
If it’s hard to see the azalea bush at the end of the tunnel, we’re here to provide reassurance that Spring is indeed on the way. Here in Fairfield, the dogwoods are barking and the winter coats are enjoying one last respite before their long deployment to the furthest reaches of the closet. The pollen is up, covering car windshields each morning and armies of birds are shrieking their greetings to sunrise. The Marion County Master Gardeners Spring Festival is two days away and the soil is being turned from Pensacola to Apopka in preparation for another planting season.
Less noticed, and intentionally so, the marijuana farmers go about their business, and their numbers grow as does acceptance of the heretofore “evil weed.” It’s only a matter of time before grandma, with her expert gardening skills, implements her tiny pot garden. Not long after, star panels of agriculturists will be judging the results at the County Fair. Marijuana has begun its inevitable trek across the country, gradually gaining state after state in its voyage to legitimacy. Oh, there will always be the Bohunk States which invariably abstain from Progress and the benefits thereof, but nobody has to live there, right? They’re still trying to cope with Evolution in Kansas, who can expect legalized marijuana? But even most Republicans can see the handwriting on the wall, as the impending approval of medical marijuana in Florida illustrates. And since the whole business will soon receive legal approval, it occurred to us that an entire neophyte generation of pot farmers will be investing in new careers and that, being inexperienced, they might need a little help. And who else does one look to in these Times of Need but their favorite source of important information, The Flying Pie? And, once again, one is amply rewarded.
Uncle Chuck’s Gardening Tips
Uncle Chuck has been growing marijuana almost since childhood and, being a sophisticated recipient of its many benefits, has learned over the years the secrets of proper propagation. He is not the tomato farmer who eats no tomatoes, not our Uncle Chuck, who has generously agreed to appear here today and offer some helpful hints. If you turn out to be successful with your little project, you can reward him by mailing a sample of your product to Uncle Chuck, c/o The Flying Pie. All samples will be used to further agricultural studies in this area in hopes of improving the breed. Well. Most of them will. So now, for your edification and enlightenment, we turn it over to Uncle Chuck. (Applause, if you will.) No more smiling—this is serious stuff.
I won’t pretend to be the most up-to-date grower, the guy with the latest tidbit. There are so many advances in specific nutrient schedules for fertilizing and formulas for flushing or removal of nutrient buildup from the soil during the flowering phase via special formulas for potting soil, soilless media and fertilizers or nutrients, it’s hard to keep up with it all.
We were very basic in the old days, and even now, in most cases, because although the plant loves to grow, it has its quirks and limits. It loves water but must be big enough to drink it, so DO NOT overwater the young plant. Use a pint-sized pot to germinate. Or you can broadcast if you want to and take your chances, though I don’t recommend it. At an average of ten bucks a seed at any one of the huge number of online seed banks, it could break you.
Sometimes, I like to germinate between paper towels to be sure the seed will pop if there may be some question. I get crazy with potting soil. I like to grow in pots so I can control the plant and be able to move it if conditions demand. I use a very good grade of potting soil that I sift through hardware cloth to remove the large wood chunks, which can attract termites, killers. Then I mix it one part with some soil from my land (which borders wet areas and is made of settled compost in the woods. Locally, the sand-based humus soil on the Hawthorn Foundation has good qualities) and one part worm castings that I buy in a bag from Tractor Supply. I like organic mushroom compost, too, if not both. It is at 3-4 parts.
Don’t overwater during the first week after plants pop. Keep damp, but roots DO rot if not aerated. Plant no deeper than half an inch. Remember—if a mouse smells the seed, you won’t get that plant. Cool mornings are no problem because the plants are very cold-hardy. Allow as much sun as your paranoia can handle, up to all day, direct. You will have to repot in the third week to a more permanent home. Depending on the kind of plant and the growth characteristics, you may only need 2-5 gallon container or you may need 30-40. Also, the earlier the planting, the bigger it gets, though planting now may confuse the plant about the photo period and it may try to bloom right away. Some strains are like that, Sativa being the longer growing, larger plant. The earlier you plant, however, the more time there is to care for it, for diseases to arise, for mold problems, termites, etc.
Do not let plants dry out. This is stress you don’t want them to have. Keep them wet, make sure the soil is aerated with good drainage. You want them very moist. Feed the nutrients. Nitrogen is what the plants want at this stage and for the next several months until they start to bloom in August….or sooner, if you’re lucky. If you make it that far, then the 4-7 week flowering period must be dealt with, and that’s another episode. I like chicken shit, but it can burn easily. Most any shit guano fish emulsion fertilizer can be used liberally during the vegetative phase. Lime in Florida’s acid soil is a must for me, a neutral pH 6.5 or so.
I may not be the last word on the subject, but all this has worked for me for years. Most of my friends seem to like the results. More important, I like the results. Good luck with your efforts and don’t forget to mail me those samples. This is your Uncle Chuck reporting from the War Zone. Over and out.
During the growing season, Uncle Chuck is giving some consideration to establishing a Hot Line to reply to questions from amateur growers. But not much.
From Sea To Shining Sea?
Kentucky Derby Watch
If Spring is on the way, so is the 141st running of the iconic Kentucky Derby on the first Saturday in May, a piffling few weeks in the distance. There is no California Chrome-type favorite so far but it’s still early. Here’s the Top Ten, using Daily Racing Form current odds:
1. Dortmund, 5-1. Won the important San Felipe in California impressively. Trained by Bob Baffert and sired by Derby Winner Big Brown. Fast, and can get the Derby distance of one-and-one-quarter miles. Will be hard to beat in any race.
2. American Pharoah, 8-1. Hasn’t run since September. Slated for the Rebel in Arkansas, followed by the Arkansas Derby. Another Baffert horse, this one by Pioneer of the Nile. How many trainers get to have the Top Two?
3. Carpe Diem, 8-1. Stood the field on its head in the Tampa Bay Derby, winning by five. Will face tougher in the Blue Grass at Keeneland. Trained by the wily Todd Pletcher and sired by classics stallion Giants Causeway.
4. Upstart, 10-1. Won the Fountain of Youth at Gulfstream by 2 3/4 but was disqualified and placed second. Not his best race, can do better. Deciding between a tough Florida Derby and a slightly easier Wood Memorial (NYC). Trained by Rick Violette Jr.
5. Far From Over, 15-1. Impressed in the Withers, overcoming atrocious start to win comfortably. Another Pletcher trainee, should be tough in the Wood.
6. Firing Line, 15-1. On a two-race losing streak, both losses to Dortmund. May not want a-mile-and-an-eighth. Flying Pie says look elsewhere for Derby winner.
7. Prospect Park, 15-1. Second in the Santa Anita Derby to Dortmund, but only by 1 1/4. Still, if they ran ten times, Dortmund would win at least nine. Not likely to turn any heads in Louisville.
8. Bolo, 20-1. Interesting horse. Lost training days due to rain, still lost by less than two in San Felipe. Good Beyer Rating in that race. Watch him in the Santa Anita Derby.
9. Daredevil, 20-1. I’m a little peeved about this one. I tried to get the same name about seven times with no success. Maybe being owned by WinStar Farm helps. Well-beaten in the Swale at Gulfstream in an odd performance. Trained by Pletcher, so there’s still hope. We’d look elsewhere.
10. El Kabeir, 20-1. Despite the DRF odds, everybody loves this horse. Trounced a herd of elephants in the Gotham but will face much tougher in the Wood. Doesn’t look like a Derby winner but doesn’t look like a 20-1 shot, either.
Right now, it would be tough to bet against Dortmund, but right now is not the first Saturday in May. All of the above have another chance to impress before the Battle of Louisville, not to mention a few others currently less regarded. It could even turn out to be a year to bet the field, but we’re not going that far yet. Watch for a horse named Royal Son in the Spiral at Turfway. Improved with blinkers on in last race, but it may have been the Polytrack more than the blinkers. Or maybe not.
Current Kentucky Derby Favorite Dortmund
Traditions Of The Season
North India celebrates the arrival of Spring, with a festival called Holi, marked by the lighting of bonfires called Holika. And, much more important to us, by the tossing of brightly-colored water balloons by children and adults, alike. This is a celebration during which Indians shed their inhibitions regarding caste differences. Since the mustard fields are in full bloom, yellow clothing is trotted out for the occasion. In Jaipur, they paint the elephants lavishly. The elephants don’t understand this. Sometimes they grumble. “For Christ’s sake, Ernie—what’s all THIS about? And why did you get the purple and I get all the PINK? People will talk.”
The Chinese celebrate Spring with the Qingming Festival, during which they are allowed to remove the letter “u” from all words starting with “q.” This is an occasion to visit the graves and burial grounds of their ancestors, sweeping out those musty old tombs and offering food and drink to their predecessors. So far, no ancestors have showed up but they’re still hoping. (Attention Asian Pranksters: Good Practical Joke Opportunity).
In Russia, the arrival of Spring means it’s Maslenista, or “Pancake Week.” These Russians—always with the eating. This was originally a Pagan festival with roots back to around 500 AD, eventually stolen by conscienceless Christians. Aside from the pancake eating, those jolly Russians also engage in fist fighting, bonfires and the occasional sled ride. Then, of course, they bring out the dancing bears. No, really, they do.
In Sweden, revelers also celebrate with bonfires, accompanied by the drinking of copious amounts of alcohol, which doesn’t sound very original to us. They’ve been doing the same thing during Spring Break at Daytona for seven thousand years.
Okay, it’s not exactly Spring, but it’s close. In St. George, South Carolina, they have an annual Grits Festival in mid-April. This exciting affair was conceived about thirty years ago by the local Piggly Wiggly Supermarket manager who decided that St. George was the grits-eating capital of the world. And who can argue? The festival centers around a fabulous grits-eating contest (what else?) but also includes supplementary grits-related affairs such as corn shelling, corn tossing and an extra-messy affair called “Rolling In The Grits.” After all this foolishness, the citizens elect the new “Miss Grits.” Contestants are rated for Purity, Mushiness and their abilities to taste good without too many condiments.
Everybody knows about the annual World Cow Chip Throwing Championships in Beaver, Oklahoma. They’d like to have them at the crack of Spring, they really would, but it’s just too damn cold then so, for the time being, it’s the third week of April. Okay, so here are the specifics: (a) the cow chip, actually a piece of dried dung, must be at least six inches in diameter, and (b) the cow chip must be tossed by a human appendage. That’s it. In case you’re admiring your own prowess in these affairs, the record for this toss (an astounding 182 feet) was set almost forty years ago by a contestant using the traditional Frisbee toss. We’re not sure what the winner of this tawdry affair gets and we try not to spend too much time thinking about it.
Every year, around the tenth of March, Chandler, Arizona holds its annual Chandler Ostrich Festival at colorful Tumbleweed Park. During this event, Chandlerians have been known to dip deep into their pockets to express their opinions by means of a little side bet on the exciting Ostrich Races. Now, you may be thinking, and it’s a reasonable opinion, that these ostriches might not have any particular reason for actually trying too hard in these contests. After all, they’re not bred to the fray like thoroughbred horses, why should they hurry. Oh, did I mention that the festival-goers EAT a lot of ostrich meat at the Chandler Ostrich Festival? Yup, they do. But that fastest ostrich—they’re probably keeping him around to cash another bet next year, along with the fast-rising comer who finished second. But old Bertie back there in seventh place? Well, you know what they say about “devil take the hindmost.” It also applies to the ostrich eaters of Arizona.
“DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!”
That’s all, folks….
