And no, for a change we’re not talking about another compadre lost to the inconsiderate ravages of Time; this time it’s Memorial Day for the year 2014. There will be no funerals, of course. In this century, whoever is in charge decided there will be no more funerals. So now we have “Celebrations of Life,” and that’s what we’re having today—a Celebration of the Year Past because there was much that happened to celebrate.
Right off the bat, January of 2014 brought the annual announcement of the Perhaps Annual Internet Man Of The Year, which, in this case, was Kirkland, Washington’s own Marty Jourard, practicing musician, alleged author and website manager extraordinaire. We’re not too sure about the author part because Marty’s supposed book, Gettin’ Down in Gatortown, has been in preparation for twenty-seven years now and as yet we haven’t seen hide nor hair of the critter. We’re pretty patient people, though. We still haven’t give up on the sequel to Easy Rider forty-six years later, although we’re expecting cast changes.
Listen Marty, unlike us, Chuck Lemasters is getting pretty antsy. We’re trying to schedule our Great Gainesville Reunion around the publication of your tome and we have hotels to book, flights to arrange. Whose asses do we have to kick at the University of Florida Printing Press to get this thing going? Chuck has his car parked outside the place, waiting to hear.
Pilgrim’s Progress
The Legalization of Marijuana is sneaking up on one state after another. It almost snuck up on Florida, thwarted only due to a bit of overconfidence on the part of the Offense and a last gasp infusion of capital by Las Vegas casino mogul Sheldon Adelson. The 79-year-old billionaire, a paragon of virtue who once admitted to violating the U.S. Foreign Corrupt Practices Act by bribing Chinese officials, usually saves his contributions for right-wing Republican political candidates. His son, Mitchell, however, used cocaine and heroin from an early age and eventually died of a drug overdose and Adelson considers marijuana the “gateway drug” which led his son astray. He had no comment about milk, which Mitchell allegedly chugged by the carton as a gradeschooler. Adelson was also noncommittal about the possibility of casinos being “gateway drugs” into a lifetime of addictive gambling.
Florida voters went 58% pro-medical marijuana but a 60% plurality was required. Politicos, however, can see the handwriting on the wall and could draft a bill before the next election. Even Republicans appreciate extra tax money.
Last year, we discussed the hopelessness of getting national legislation passed in practically any area and posited it would be necessary for individual states to Save The World. This is beginning to happen. Not only with marijuana and the cleverly managed same-sex marriage campaigns, but now with Gun Safety. The New York Times reports that after a victory in November on a Washington State ballot measure which will require broader background checks on gun buyers, groups that advocate gun regulation have moved away from Washington and turned their attention to other states which allow ballot measures. Progress has been made in Nevada, Arizona, Maine and Oregon as well as Colorado. Some provisions have even gained steam in Republican-controlled state governments, like those in Louisiana and Wisconsin. In the past two years, 11 states have passed such legislation. The Duck Commander states, of course, will hold on for dear life, but there is Progress and, as GE told us long ago, Progress Is Our Most Important Product.
Alleleluia! Alleluia! Let The Golden Anthem Rise!
Last year, Bill and Siobhan looked forward to Great Things on the racing front. “What fools these mortals be!” quoth Puck, which also happens to be the alter-ego name of our unsuccessful racehorse, Cosmic Flash, who won his first start and spent the rest of the year accumulating injuries before returning to racing with a resounding thud. There is a term in racing for horses who rule the world in a.m. workouts and disappear in p.m. racing. That term is Morning Glory, and it was never more apt than in this case.
We had another injury-prone youngster named Bull Ensign, who we bought as a yearling in a 2013 sale, a large fellow who took time to mature. Just when it seemed he might never race, he was finally entered at Hallandale’s Gulfstream Park on January 2 in a 7 1/2 furlong outing on the turf (grass) track. Horses who run this distance first time out usually have one thing in common—they are not very fast, and this certainly applies to Bull Ensign, who couldn’t beat a fat man at six furlongs. But fat men get tired and so do most horses, while Bull Ensign apparently does not. After breaking from the gate an unalert last, he loped comfortably down the backstretch, falling 16 lengths behind, went five wide into the turn and came blasting down the stretch to finish fourth, beaten a smidge over two lengths. After the race, trainer Eddie Plesa called and laughingly asked if we’d trade him for anybody else in the race. No Eddie, we would not, although we don’t have a long history of genius behavior when it comes to these matters. Then, Plesa made a remark which could cause him to lose his trainer’s license—he said we’d have to move the horse UP in claiming value, a shocking statement from the trainer of any thoroughbred. Usually, you can win the Triple Crown and your trainer will be looking next for a non-winners-of-four race at Delaware Park. We’ll send him back out at a mile or more sometime this month. If he decides to leave the gate with his friends, the sky’s the limit.
Just Another Goat Expense
Zombie Jamboree: Cancelled
After years of stupendous progress, the Zombie Movement slowed to a crawl in 2014. No big new movies or TV shows, no YouTube episodes featuring Zombie Flash Mobs instigating bothersome traffic snarls in downtown Dubuque. What happened? Used to be you couldn’t walk out the door without running into one of the little buggers. Inquiring minds want to know.
Same old culprit. Overexposure. It happened to Brittany Spears (remember her?) It happened to Dick Cheney. It even happened to the Baja Marimba Band, which is really shocking. Nothing lasts forever, except maybe for Mick Jagger and even he’s showing a little tread lately. Nope, first the Vampires trended down and now it’s the Zombies. The real question is what will be the next Big Thing? Siobhan thinks it will be Goats, and she’s ready. Goatcams 1 and 2 have been spiffed up and caprine activity is now beamed into more American homes than ever, about six at last count. This week, she is visiting the nursing home down the road with an offer to hook them up—the ultimate irony: old goats watching old goats. If this works out on a local basis, we might see a vast network of old folks across the country whiling away the hours with goat-viewing. Soon, commercial entities will become involved, wishing to advertise their products to this enormous audience. Just think of it—outfits like Grandma’s Diaper Service promising “You’ll never have to leave your chair during important goatwatching moments when you equip yourself with a large-intake Superabsorber from Granny’s.” Or, from the Goat Benevolent & Protective Society, “Save these beautiful animals from the Gumbo Factory with your contribution to the Goat Retirement Farm; adopt a horny creature for only $24 a month.” Stuff like that.
All I know is that this goat business is expensive. First, you’ve got to purchase your goats, then it’s feed, bedding, warming chandeliers, television cameras, recreation platforms and old Jim Nabors records. The goats really like old Jim Nabors music. Go figure. So, it’s good to know there’s a light at the end of the funnel and yes, that’s spelled correctly. Oh well, everyone needs a hobby. Goatkeeping is probably better than collecting Airsickness Bags, Yarnbombing or Tatooing Vehicles and at least on a par with Duct Tape Artistry and Eating Inanimate Objects. And if this thing works out the way Siobhan hopes, we’ll be in on the bottom floor of a lucrative new industry and the money will just come rolling in. I’ll probably spend my share on a lovely villa in Fudgepack upon Humber, where the deer and the antelope don’t play.
And how about you, Siobhan? Will it be two weeks in Bolivia, a new Maserati, a small bag of emeralds? Oh, really—that’s very exciting. It’s certainly not every day you’ll find a two-for-one sale down at Goats ‘R’ Us.
This One Makes 238
Last year also marked the appearance of the 200th edition of The Flying Pie, an occasion celebrated with huge parades from Guam to Ecuador. Thanks to a breakthrough column about Lexington, Kentucky and the four-part quadrilogy on Austin, Texas 1962, readership zoomed to 700 weekly, a new high. Since TFP typically presents the type of material unavailable elsewhere, it is popular not only here in these United States, but also abroad, where it is studied in schoolrooms across the globe. We’ll let you know which ones when we find out. Anyway, here, in the appropriate order, are the countries which are tuning in most:
1. Ukraine
2. Germany
3. France
4. Russia
5. United Kingdom
6. China
7. Poland
8. Malaysia
9. Canada
Obviously, we need to soon begin presenting our Hispanic version to pep up readership in Spanish-language countries. Also, what’s going on with India—are they blacking us out in Mumbai? India is the second-largest country in the world by population, soon to overtake China, and they speak the language. Let’s go, you Patels, there’s no excuse for this sort of behavior.
Why is Ukraine on top, well-ahead of everybody else? You’ve got us there. Maybe our photographer pal, Moishe Groger, turned the country on during his recent visit. Ukraine was not even in the top ten until 2014 and the population is not enormous (45,426,249; India—1,264,650,000) so if anybody has any ideas, please let us know. We’re tired of begging these foreigners to write us, they just laugh in our faces.
One thing which has had a profound influence on our stats is Facebook. In the past year, four people whose web pages have large followings (and we don’t think even they realize their heft)—Harry Edwards in Austin, Marty Jourard and Bob Follett in Washington State, and Jay Lynch in New York—have been kind enough to publicize one column or another, and every time this happened it resulted in extremely large numbers for that column and even those subsequent. We’re trying to get Taylor Swift to follow suit but she hasn’t called back yet.
Kim With His Minister Of Defense
Next Time, Let’s Try Ernest
Well, in further 2014 hijinks, our old pal, Kim Jong-un, was back in the kitchen, rattlin’ those pots and pans. Seems a bunch of shrewd guys in Hollywood decided it would be a good idea to make a dumb movie in which Kim would be the fall guy. They called it “The Interview,” and judging from the trailers it was more of the same lowbrow schlock humor we’ve come to expect from this crowd. The story included a plot to assassinate Kim, which is not a barrel of laughs for everybody, Kim included. Funny thing happened on the way to the matinee, though. Kim Jong, merry man of mirth that he is, decided it was only fair for him to play a little trick on his friends at filmmaker Sony. Therewith, he enlisted an elite crew of North Korean hackers to bust into Sony’s sacrosanct Secret Files….okay, they were mostly old emails….revealing snarky conversations between the studio’s honchos dissing some of Hollywood’s biggest stars. This, of course, caused outrage from Vine Street to Malibu. Hey, that’s what you get when you tickle the porcupine. Some people just can’t take a joke and if that might be true of Kim it’s just as true of Sony.
The whole thing worked out so well Kim thought he’d push his luck a little. Mysterious threats filtered out that cinemas showing the movie might be subject to unfortunate happenings, and theater owners, not known for exceptional valor, crumbled like the French Army. Sony, beset on all sides, quickly decided to pull the movie, then was inundated with criticism—along with the theaters—for caving. Eventually, Sony relented and a few independent theater owners, realizing the long arm of Kim Jong didn’t reach all the way to Monadnock or Chevy Chase, decided to run the film. Nothing happened, of course. Who’s going to blow up a theater in Peoria?
We here at The Flying Pie, are, of course, against censorship in any form but we are finding it difficult to be sympathetic with the moviemakers. The film was not produced to confront tyranny, it was just another feeble effort to generate a few bucks by a studio which failed to consider the possibility that the subject of a proposed assassination might be a trifle offended. After losing kazillions of dollars on this catastrophe, perhaps Sony will recall in the future Dirty Harry’s best advice: “A man has to know his limitations.” And with that, we have a suggestion. If you want to safely pick on someone, Sony, next time you might prefer to select a backwater hole in the road like Sierra Leone, puny, hackerless, devoid of the capacity for revenge. The President there is Ernest Bai Koroma and, unlike Kim, he’d like any publicity he can get.
That.s all, folks,
