I went to visit my old pal, Chuck Lemasters, the other day at his suburban estate on the lovely cliffs overlooking bustling downtown Jonesville. Chuck is an old employee of the Subterranean Circus, not to mention a distinguished painter and sculptor. One of his airbrush renderings has been hanging over my bed, in one place or another, for the past 44 years. To visit Chuck is also to visit his faithful dog Lucky, a busy little guy who has trouble keeping the hair out of his eyes. Lucky is my kind of dog, friendly and quiet, partly due to the fact he has no larynx. None of this keeps him from taking exemplary care of Chuck. When Lucky was young, his mother taught him to make a proper bed and his Molten Chocolate Souffle is to die for. Suffice to say, Lemasters is in good hands. Okay, paws then.
Over a sumptuous meal at the Jonesville Subway, (I always get the six-inch tuna on white with lettuce, tomato, onions, salt and pepper, vinegar and light mayonnaise), Chuck proposed, not for the first time, that we construct a giant reunion party for all remnants of Gainesville’s Golden Age (1965-75) still able to get on a bus. “Everybody who’s alive,” was the way he put it. Much as I hate restricting guests in this manner, Chuck is probably right. Siobhan is undoubtedly joined in her antipathy for the undead by other squeamish folk and we wouldn’t want some guests dining on others.
Okay, if we are to hold this colossal party then, and I’m sure we are, when shall we have it? It’s all well and good to say, hey, how about the 50th anniversary of the Summer of Love in 2017, but we’re sure to lose some folks between now and then. So how about the 48th Anniversary, call it June 21, 2015, the first day of Summer and a Sunday, the ideal day for such an affair. Nor will I argue with any Sunday in May, when the weather is more comfortable for geezers. Let’s say between one p.m. and six.
And where will we have it? Now, there’s a poser for you. Obviously, such an affair would have to be restricted to the city limits of Gainesville. Anything less would be vulgar. Considering the size of the crowd, which the Invitation Committee assures me will be in the hundreds, not many places could handle the numbers. Maybe the old 12 East/Sovereign restaurant building, more likely an expansive area like the Thomas Hotel grounds. None of these places will be cheap but fortunately we have alumni who have done well and invested wisely. They can expect a few phone calls.
The music, of course, will be exemplary. Marty Jourard, Chairman of the Entertainment Committee, will see to that. Marty knows every musician who ever opened an instrument case in Gainesville and, more important, he knows where they live. Tom Petty would be too busy, of course, but maybe Ron Blair, one of his Heartbreakers, could find the time. Possibly, we could coordinate the celebration with the publication of Jourard’s new book, Gettin’ Down In Gatortown, a celebration of the Good Old Days in Hogtown. Think of the synchronicity. There must be a God after all.
Many of you out there missed your 50th High School Class Reunion so this would be another opportunity to reune, and lots more fun than that high-school stuff. The last time the Subterranean Circus sponsored such an affair—a Halloween masked frenzy—hundreds showed up and drank til dawn. We went through over fifty kegs. Now, these days, of course, we are all being more careful so the beverages of choice might be sweet tea and sarsaparilla. There will probably be a dearth of cocaine but the medical marijuana providers are sure to turn up to help medicate partygoers with the appropriate afflictions.
So mark those calendars, boys and girls., leaving open May and June of 2015 until further notice. We’ll be needing volunteers, of course, to pass the word once the affair is in order. We have graduates in every state and most countries, not to mention the Kamchatka Peninsula, and they are only waiting the clang of the raunchy starting bell. Whether they know it or not.
Chuck Lemasters, Taking A Break During Sportking Condom Durability Field Trials
Façade Of The Alamo, Created For The New Texas State History Museum In Austin By Chuck Lemasters While Working For Leonard Weinbaum’s Sightline Studios. Let’s See YOU Knock One Of These Off In Your Spare Time. (photographs by Leonard Weinbaum)
Party Games
Well, Bill, you’re probably fretting, people of such an advanced age may not be up for such shenanigans. They’re getting a little long in the tooth to go to parties and play Pin The Toupee On The Bald Guy. It’s….well….unbecoming for our senior citizens to get sloshed and collapse all over the Thomas Center lawn, as they certainly will do. Well, I say poppycock to all that. Geezers just want to have fun, as the old song goes. Check out the fun folks below:
1. Brawling At The Bingo Grounds.—An old folks bingo game in Greasbrough, South Yorkshire, degenerated into fisticuffs when two rival players had a dustup over an early and arguable call. Police were called in as the battlers, both women in their late sixties, went at it after one accused the other of shouting “House!” too early. Community policeman Simon Ellis remarked, “Well this is a first for us, definitely nothing like the normal calls. Could have been me mum in there.”
2. NOW Where Do We Go For Speed?—California police arrested 64-year-old Robert Short Saturday for allegedly cooking methamphetamine in his retirement community apartment. After pulling Short over for a routine traffic stop, a search of his car turned up four ounces of crystal meth, as well as plastic bags and an electronic scale. Police discovered another half-pound of the drug at Short’s apartment in the California League-Fresno Village, along with heroin and meth lab materials.
3. “Well, There’s Been No Other Entertainment Since They Closed The Community Theater.”—James Parham, 75, and Cheryl Chaney, 66, were arrested on charges of using cocaine and running a prostitution ring out of their apartments in a senior citizen housing complex. Police got involved when residents complained of drunks and addicts hanging around in their building in North Jersey. Parham has admitted to providing young girls as prostitutes to some of the residents of the Vincente K. Tibbs Senior Citizen Building. Chaney has been charged with possession of crack.
4. “But They Were Trying To Grab All The Rest Of The Macaroni!”—A 64-year-old woman was arrested after she assaulted two other senior citizens at the Golden Corral food bar in Wilkesboro, North Carolina. Polly Richards was taken into custody after she attacked two customers—one with a flying plate—at around 3:45 p.m. on Thursday. Linwood Moore, 69, told police that Richards assaulted him, grabbed his shirt and shoved him into the salad bar over a food availability issue.
5. “At Our Age, It’s ALL For Medical Purposes.” Two senior citizens were arrested Wednesday after police said they were growing more than 500 very large marijuana plants at a property in Acampo, near Stockton, California. The plants were valued at $500 million on the street.
Grandma Meets The Internet
Geezers almost unanimously refuse to use the internet. It’s almost a Badge of Pride to abstain, despite the advantages seniors might obtain from learning a few simple steps. A friend of ours, Eddie from Parsippany, decided he could stand it no longer—he was going to get his grandmother to learn.
“Okay,” she said, reluctantly, settling in by the computer, putting down her glasses. “What do I do now?”
Eddie told her he was going to open the “home page of Google,” which she thought was hilarious. “You must be kidding!” she told him.
“No, Gramma, Google is a site which will answer ANY question you have. Here now, I pulled it up for you. Just ask it whatever you like.”
“I can ask it ANYTHING?”
“Anything at all.”
“And it will answer me?”
“Absolutely.” Gramma sniffed her doubt, but turned and began her question….
“Dear Mr. Google—and how is Gertrude doing today?”
The Incredible Shrinking Airplane
In the old days, it was a big thrill to be flying somewhere. The exciting din of the airport, the glamorous flight crew, the roomy seats, the delectable meal. All are long gone, except, perhaps, that rumble from the security area as long lines of passengers slowly wend their way through the mazes, waving IDs and tickets, clunking shoes, belts, purses and other assorted threats onto belts bent for the examining machines, passing through the person scanners, perhaps being wanded when some tiny factor is deemed out of order, redressing and reclaiming all their earthlies as they scurry to meet their flights, sometimes even successfully. Then relining up for the cattle walk onto the plane, which could even be on time (unless it was leaving from Gainesville), struggling to store baggage in the ever smaller storage areas above the seat—or below the seat in front of you. Finally, you get to sit down in your tiny seat, which is now mere inches from the seat in front of you. And perish forbid, the customer up there decides to recline his seatback and break your nose. Talk about the Law of Diminishing Returns—the airline industry is the champion in this area. It has become almost rude to insert your seatback into the person behind’s tiny realm. When the person in front of me does it, I rattle my tray up and down in vigorous protest, hoping for a reprieve that never comes. The airline industry is pushing us too far….way too far. And they’re beginning to pay the price. Angry passengers are rebelling. Flights are being forced down prematurely to contend with the results.
Recently, in the second of three incidents within a mere week, Paris resident Edmund Alexandre, 60, was charged in U.S. Federal Court with interfering with an airline flight crew, a violation of federal law which can slap you in the jug for as much as 20 years. “Interfering with an airline flight crew” can be almost anything from pinching a stewardess’ behind to cleaning one’s fingernails with a boxcutter. In Edmund’s case, it was “arguing with another passenger and becoming disruptive” when deprived of legroom due to a reclined seat. Alexandre began loudly complaining to his antagonist about the problem. When a crew member asked him to calm down and then walked away, Edmund started up again, following the crew member to the back of the plane, grabbing her arm. This was enough to break the cover of the air marshals aboard, who came to the rescue, subdued and restrained the frustrated Frenchman. The flight was diverted to Logan Airport in Boston, where Alexandre was arrested. He complained of high blood pressure and diabetes issues and was promptly transferred to Massachusetts General Hospital. Whoopee for aviation. Another satisfied customer.
Almost simultaneously, a United Airlines flight from Newark to Denver was diverted on August 24 after two passengers argued about the use of a “Knee Defender” by one of them. The device blocks seat reclining, which seems like a good idea to me. The passenger in the fore seat disagreed, however, and dumped a bottle of water on the offender. Both passengers were removed from the flight in Chicago but nobody was arrested. More of this sort of thing is on the way as airlines continue to greedily cut the amount of seat space available in order to insert more rows.
Have you heard about the new buses? Big shiny things, internet friendly, zip right along, stopping minimal. Plenty of room in the nice soft seats. And they can get you from Ocala to New York in a mere 20 hours, how about that? What was that again? Did you say a mere TWENTY HOURS?
Never mind.
The Old Goats Meet The New Goats
Bill & Leonard Weinbaum Discuss Matters Of The Day With Buttermilk. The Lady Included Is Leonard’s Wife, The Lovely And Talented Nancy. We’re Not Dumb Enough To Put Her In The “Old Goats” Category.
That’s All, folks….
