To everyone else, Spring comes marching in with the arrival of the Vernal Equinox, and who are we to argue? But to us, the real Spring shows up with the full blossoming of the spectacular Fringe Tree just outside our door, the first thing we see when we go outside in the morning and the last thing we see on returning at night. The tree (secret identity: Chionanthus virginicus) is a little late this year, seven or eight days so, for arcane reasons known only to Fringe Trees, but we’re willing to defer to its superior judgment in natural matters. And there’s always something to be said for entities which do not arrive too early.
For most of the year, the tree stands naked to the world, not a bud, not a hint of what is to come, gathering its resources, preparing for its short but very sweet presentation. When it is late, there is cause for concern—are we failing our friend somehow? Was earlier pruning required? Too much rainfall this year? An unknown assassin at work? Then, finally, a tiny hint of green on one of its skinny limbs and quickly another as it accelerates into action, gradually, day by day, taking exquisite care to correctly paint the final picture. So our companion is here now, for however short a visit, in all its radiant splendor, providing cheer, inspiring awe, extracting gratitude and proving once again that those old songwriters, Lew Brown and Buddy DeSylva, really knew what they were talking about. The Best Things In Life Are Free.
Why Do Fools Fall In Love?
Why do birds sing so gay
And lovers await the break of day?
Why do they fall in love?
Why does the rain fall from up above?
Why do fools fall in love?
Why do they fall in love?
Lord Tennyson famously told us that In the Spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. I think, when it comes to young men, it’s a 365-days-a-year proposition. And what makes it happen—aside from hormones, of course? For better or for worse, it’s unquestionably physical attraction. Stop by any high school, the pretty kids choose each other and down the line it goes until we get to Drucilla and Bernie, who were not blessed by God nor genes with all the accoutrements. Time to develop a little “personality”. Now, by physical attraction we don’t simply mean a pretty face, although that helps. Researchers at the University of Texas who had nothing better to do found that women with a low waist-to-hip ratio, in which the waist is significantly narrower than the hip, are more attractive to men than those with wider waists. How come? Well, say the scientists, the ratio may subconsciously signal to a man that such a woman has good health and reproductive ability. Dr. Brian Grossman, PhD, a psychologist and communications expert from L.A., says attraction is never one thing, like facial symmetry or pheremones, “but we can’t help but look at health and attractiveness. Heavier people have a harder time. No one’s ever gone to a bar and said, ’Wow, look at her waist-to-hip ratio, she looks great!’ But it’s definitely one of those subliminal rules of attraction.”
When it comes to appreciation for symmetrical faces, women are the main culprits. “It’s a survival-of-the-fittest thing,” says Grossman. “Women subconsciouly look at a face and think, That’s a great face—our kids will look awesome!” This judgment is a quick one, too, taking less than one second.
As we get older, of course, and relationships primarily based on attraction eventually fail, some of us finally get the notion that it might be a good idea to toss a few other considerations into the pot. I recall one instance in my twenties when I was seeing two women at the same time. One of them looked like Elizabeth Taylor, the other one didn’t. But with the latter, attractive enough in her own right, creative and broadly intelligent, there was good conversation until late in the evening, a constant exchange of new information and ideas, questions worth investigating, and when she eventually bailed, unwilling to be part of a parlay, I missed her attributes a lot. Something for future consideration, but how can you give up Elizabeth?
Older and wiser, I finally got around to choosing better partners. They were physically attractive, if not bombshells, but they had other attributes which became more important as time went by. A greater degree of intelligence. Loyalty. Dependability. A capacity for fun. Betsy Harper, once a high-school teacher, later an exercise instructor with her own business, had a good mind, a great sense of adventure and spontaneity. She was kind. She quietly wept at poignant times and boisterously celebrated your successes. And Siobhan, of course….what is left to say about Siobhan? Possessor of four degrees, inventor of life-saving drugs, inventive chef and gardener, goatherd extraordinaire, steel in the face of adversity and now a partner of 28 years. Just a tip to what few younger readers we might have—you might want to give a thought to the bigger picture.
On the other hand, I never did have to give up my predilections for a woman with that coveted low hip-to-waist ratio. And I’m checking it out on a daily basis.
The Fools Of April
Remember when we were kids and everybody at school just waited for April Fools Day to nail one another with outrageous stories and pranks? The early bird got the worm in this case, as the 8 a.m. falsehoods struck before the listener was wary. By noon, the liars had no shot. In sixth grade, Sister Louise Clara decided to have a gift-giving party on April First. Clever as many of the gifts were, noone outdid Peter Blanchette, who first exposed many of us to the box-inside-a-box-inside-a-box trick. At first, the recipient is thrilled to receive the largest present of the day. Until he opens it and finds a smaller box inside, then another, then a third, etc., finally arriving at a container which could hold nothing bigger than a thimble. April Fool, Sucker! Kids love this stuff. Nowadays, April Fools Day barely brings a ripple, so The Flying Pie is here to return us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear when stuff like this happened:
1. Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers. The April, 1995 issue of Discover Magazine reported that the highly respected biologist Dr. Aprile Pazzo had found a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. These fascinating creatures had bony plates on their heads that were fed by numerous blood vessels and could become burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speeds. They used this ability to hunt penguins, melting the ice beneath them and causing them to sink downwards into the resulting slush, where the hotheads rapidly consumed them. WOW! After much research, Dr. Pazzo theorized that the hotheads might have been responsible for the mysterious disappearance of noted Arctic explorer Philippe Poisson in 1837. “To the ice borers, he would have looked like a penguin,” the article quoted her as saying. Discover received more mail in response to this article than for any other in the history of the magazine.
2. Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity. During an interview on BBC Radio 2 on the morning of April 1, 1976, British astronomer Patrick Moore announced that at 9:47 a.m. a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur and listeners could experience it in their own homes. According to Moore, the planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth’s own gravity. The astronomer told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.
3. The Eruption Of Mount Edgecumbe. On the morning of April 1, 1974, the residents of Sitka, Alaska woke to a disturbing sight. Clouds of black smoke were rising from the crater of Mount Edgecumbe, a long dormant volcano neighboring them. People spilled from their homes to gaze up at the sight, terrified the volcano was active again and might soon erupt. Luckily, it turned out that man, not nature, was responsible. A local practical joker named Porky Bickar had flown hundreds of old tires into the crater and lit them on fire in a successful attempt to to fool the city dwellers into believing the volcano was stirring to life. When Mount St. Helen’s erupted six years later, a Sitka resident wrote to Bickar, telling him “Damn it, Porky—you’ve gone too far this time”!
4. The Case Of The Rogue Brassieres. The April 1, 1982 issue of the Daily Mail reported that a local manufacturer had sold 10,000 “rogue bras” that were causing a unique and unprecedented problem, not to the wearers but to the general public. Apparently, the support wire in the bras had been made from a kind of copper originally designed for use in fire alarms. When the copper came into contact with nylon and body heat, it produced static electricity which, in turn, was interfering with local television and radio broadcasts. Employers all over England immediately ordered all female employees to produce their bras for inspection.
5. New Zealand Wasp Swarm. In 1949, Phil Shone, a New Zealand deejay for radio station 1Zb, announced to his listeners that a mile-wide wasp swarm was headed toward Aukland. He urged everybody to take a variety of steps to protect themselves and their homes from the winged menace. One suggestion was to wear one’s socks over the trouser bottoms when they left for work; also to leave honey-smeared traps outside their doors. Hundreds of people dutifully heeded his advice. The New Zealand Broadcasting Service was not amused by Shone’s prank, unfortunately. Its director, Professor James Shelley, denounced the hoax on the grounds it undermined the rules of proper broadcasting. Then he pulled his pants back over his socks and went home to remove the honey trap.
Jumpin’ Jake Flash—He’s A Gas, Gas Gas….
It appears that local nitwit congressman Ted Yoho is going to receive a challenge for his District 3 seat. Not just any challenge, either. Turns out his foe will be The Flash, superhero deluxe, whose secret identity is Jake Rush, an Alachua county attorney. Seems like when Jake has nothing better to do he dons his Flash outfit and gallivants around town. He belongs to an outfit called The Camarilla, a University of Florida chapter of an international gaming society, which does this sort of thing just for the hell of it. Hey, everybody needs a hobby, right?
A lot of people think this superhero revelation might cause attorney Jake a few problems in the election, but we demur. What harm could it do to have The Flash—or any other superhero—looking out for his constituents? Say there’s a big flood. Water crashing everywhere, homes engulfed, people trapped on the tops of buildings. What’s Congressman Ted Yoho going to do? Nothing, that’s what. But a superhero knows exactly what to do. He immediately flies off to some old abandoned factory, rips off an unused smokestack, using it like a giant straw to suck up all the water with his great powers of inhalation and then spits it out harmlessly over the ocean. Who would you vote for, a bumbleheaded Tea Party loyalist or a guy who saves the town? I thought so.
Candidate Jake And Faithful Companion Tonto
Constitution Nips Wildcat Red In Florida Derby
The ubiquitous Todd Pletcher showed up at the prestigious Florida Derby with a horse who had raced—and won—only twice, but he was good enough to beat more experienced horses and stamp himself at least a temporary favorite for the Kentucky Derby on May 3.
The race started as expected, with Wildcat Red emerging fastest of all from his rail gate under J.R. Velazquez, quickly followed by his regular rival, General a Rod. The race continued with these two running 1-2 to the turn, where the favorite, Cairo Prince, lightly raced in 2014, loomed large. On the rail, Constitution, under J.J. Castellano, was stating his case. Had Velazquez stuck to the rail, he would have won on Wildcat Red. Unaccountably, he opened up enough room for Constitution to barge through. The two horses went head to head the rest of the way, Constitution prevailing by a neck over Wildcat Red, who was another 1 1/4 lengths up on General a Rod. Cairo Prince, who will benefit from the experience, was another 2 1/4 back. Three of the four committed to the Kentucky Derby after the race. General a Rod is a possibility.
In New Orleans, Vicar’s In Trouble won the Louisiana Derby in a romp with Rosie Napravnik up. The winner lacks the pedigree of some of his rivals and is small of stature but Rosie is not one to waste her time. “You know, he’s a tiny horse but he’s got a great big heart,” Napravnik says. Look for this one in Kentucky also.
Cosmic Flash Update
Couple weeks back CF went a half-mile in 47 flat, galloping out in 1:01. Poppa Bear Larry Pilotti said the half was “too fast”. Two weeks later, with a different rider, the horse went a half in 49 flat, and out in the same 1:01. Baby Bear Pilotti said that was “just right”. This weekend, he goes five eighths, probably in a minute, then we look for a race, probably in late April, when we have FDA meetings, mare foalings and a wedding, for crying out loud.
Gators Keep Going
The University of Florida basketball team, local heroes, have advanced to the Final Four in Dallas, which means two more wins gives the Gators the national championship. It’s a likeable bunch, comprised of four seniors unlikely to tear up the NBA any time soon, like, for instance, the rival Kentucky Wildcats, possessed of a gang of freshman All-Americans soon off to join the pros. If Florida and Kentucky both win their first games, they will meet in the Grand Finale. UF has beaten the Wildcats thrice this year but the UK kiddies seem to have learned their lessons well and the ultimate game, if it happens, should be a corker. Continue to Go, Gators!
The 200th Blog
is NEXT WEEK! Wow! Thanks for all the column suggestions we’ve received in the past week from all you layabouts who have procrastinated. We’re still hoping for a few stragglers but time is short and the livin’ is easy. If you HAVE NOT submitted your favorites DO NOT be shocked if this column does not appear in your mailbox next week. We have our ways.
That’s all, folks. It’s REALLY all for some of you….
