It’s the Week Of Business Meetings, so Siobhan and I had to travel first to Orlando (Sunday) and second to Clearwater (Tuesday), while cleverly pretending to be “business people.” Our friends get a big Ho-Ho out of that one.
Been to Orlando lately? If the Chamber of Commerce was honest, they would advertise something like “Orlando—A Crime On Every Corner!” I wish I had the franchise on those blue lights on the police cars, they must wear them out in mere days with the constant use they get in “The City Beautiful.” Oh, you’re alright walking around the theme parks, security is massive, and it’s okay to visit the upscale Mall at Millenia, but watch out the rest of the time. I spent a little bit of time driving the Orange Blossom Trail on a recent trip south to watch Gainesville High get pounded in the state football finals. Not a place you’d bring your mother. You know how, after the Super Bowl each year, they cut to the shot of the Most Valuable Player, grinning and announcing, “I’m Going To Disney World!”? Well, if the FBI did that with their Ten Most Wanted, they’d all be saying the same thing. I remember when all the criminals and derelicts went to Miami Beach, but not any more. Now the place is teeming with celebrities, there’s no room for a proper criminal and the derelicts can’t afford it. South Beach, which used to be a junkies’ paradise, is now SoBe, where the glitterati gather. There’s only a much higher class of criminal now. It makes you wonder. Do the criminals have their own newspapers and magazines where these new, would-be hotbeds advertise, like, say Daytona Beach and Fort Lauderdale used to advertise in the college papers to bring the hordes down for Spring Break? Do they spread those little discount coupon books into motels all up and down the East Coast? What do they actually say to attract this element? “Record numbers of unarmed Ohio families expected in August” or “Average vacation budgets soar for puny, unathletic Connecticut travelers”? It’s a puzzler.
If any of you were planning a Florida trip, we certainly don’t mean to discourage you. There are, of course, many exciting alternatives to Orlando. You could visit lovely St. Augustine, the “oldest city” in the United States and view….well, lots of old stuff. You could go to Cape Canaveral, where they will be so grateful to see you that an actual astronaut might invite you home for dinner. You could visit our gateway city, Jacksonville, where….um, well….never mind, you don’t want to be visiting Jacksonville. So don’t be discouraged. We still have our beautiful weather and spectacular beaches. We still have a network of superior highways. We still have our neighborly citizens, happy to see you and your fat wallets. And, if you’re a Republican like my unwitting sister, Alice (Happy Birthday, Alice), you might want to spend a few days at the reactionary enclave called The Villages, where everybody looks and thinks exactly the same. See….there’s something for everybody in Florida. Come on down! If we’re in a good mood, we’ll even let you stay at our house for the night. Wait a minute, what’s that, Siobhan? Oh. I see. Siobhan says our visitors cottage, which doubles as her lab, is too busy to accept guests, although special consideration will be given to anyone experienced at assaying blood tests or mailing out billing information. First come, first served.
There Is No Food But Garlic
As I was saying, this was the week of business and that means the week of business meetings, which, for some arcane reason, are always held at restaurants. I don’t know how all this got started but, by now, it’s ubiquitous. The restaurants, of course, assume that if you are going to be in there huffing and puffing your business baloney, you will also be eating a little of their food. It’s a package deal. And that would be fine except for one thing: all food is now required to be liberally doused with Garlic, the better to make it taste. You could have Attila The Hun cheffing in your kitchen and the food would be A-Number One if he just dumped salt and garlic into the pot. You don’t have to go to cooking school anymore—just bring the salt and garlic. The only trouble being that Bill doesn’t tolerate garlic well. This was not always the case. In my youth, I could eat Shrimp Scampi with the best of them. But just as time paints those dark circles under your eyes and performs devious atrocities on your waistline, so too does it compromise your garlic-processing equipment. Well, it does if you’re me. If I were to eat shrimp scampi now, my last minutes would resemble those of the Hindenburg. Not a pretty sight. I counter this horrible threat by closely monitoring the menus, which is only a partial remedy. See, many of the meals are not obviously garlic-ridden. But tons of sauces contain garlic, many vegetables are cooked in it and even the little pots of butter they bring you may be infected. You have to ask about everything and even then your fate is in the hands of the waitress, not a confidence-inspiring reality.
“Tell me, Miss—does your shrimp chowder contain garlic?”
“Well, I think so, but I’ll have to ask.”
“No, never mind—how about those two large salads? Any garlic in them?”
“Yes sir, both.”
“Okay, I’m reduced to the turkey sandwich.”
That’s the way it went at our lunch stop at the Marriott. You end up eating twice as much food because your main concern is avoiding the garlic. Things went no better that evening, when we met Coloradoan Eric Jorgensen at Charley’s Steak House, supposedly the number one steak house in Orlando, for all I care. These midwestern guys are big on visiting the steakhouses. I ended up with pork tenderloin, light on garlic but loaded with salt, as I discovered next morning when I awoke two pounds heavier. It was delicious, of course. Now I’m up 3 1/2 pounds for the three days of business meetings. How am I going to keep my girlish figure at this rate? I’m going to have to join the Can Lady on her daily patrols up and down Marion County 316, hustling aluminum. Oh, and for those of you who have asked about the can lady:
Reign Of The Can Lady
The can lady (her real name is Debbie) is proving to be a boon to Siobhan’s burgeoning business, although she does take a lot of days off. For one thing, she is excellent at acquiring chairs at bargain-basement prices. Finding Siobhan’s lab chairs inadequate, Debbie went out and, using her yard-sale talents, scrounged up four more chairs, none topping $4.50 in price. And no, they don’t match. What do you expect for $4.50? The Can Lady has a husband (we have no evidence with which to label him “The Can Man”) and the two of them deposited a thousand-pound credenza in our carport last week. Siobhan wanted to carry it inside. Pathogenes has a young new employee named Autumn who says she can dead lift 270 pounds and has the shoulders to prove it. I encouraged Siobhan to wait for Autumnal assistance but, of course, she had to move it inside right then and obviously wasn’t going to do it by herself. After an eternity of grunting and groaning, we got the damned thing inside but I think I am going to have to impose a new Code of Conduct on the can lady requiring advance notice of deliveries. Other than that, she’s doing great and I would encourage any of you who are in the market for employees to hire a can lady of your own.
Wherefore Art Thou, Claudia?
Our pal, Court Lewis, proved once again why he is a co-Internet Hero of the Year, tracking down a photograph of Claudia Starr (corrected spelling), an almost-girlfriend of Bill mentioned in last week’s Flying Pie. Court told us this sort thing is possible by simply using a phenomenal instrument known as the “internet.” We tried it and came up with an even better picture (which we hope is below) along with some information about Claudia, which we know you’re dying to find out. Turns out her marriage to a rich Kentucky fogey lasted but a mere six years. She then obtained a job managing a vast horse enterprise in Qatar, the only country in the world which doesn’t recognize the letter “u”. After that, she was offered the Division Chair of the equestrian program at William Woods University, which you’ll be surprised to discover is located in Columbia, Missouri, and that’s where she resides today. If you are ever nearby, drop in and tell her Bill sent you. By the way, it turns out Dominic Imprescia was right, she is “cute.” In a professorial sort of way, of course.
Five People Shot On Gun Appreciation Day
We get this one from Ramsey of the Austin Ghetto Line, without whom we would probably not be aware Gun Appreciation day even existed:
If the gun advocates behind this year’s inaugural Gun Appreciation Day had hoped to use the day’s festivities to build support for their anti-regulation platform, they are going to have to wait another year. Emergency personnel had to be called to the scene of the Dixie Gun and Knife Show in Raleigh, North Carolina after a gun accidentally discharged and shot three people at the show’s safety check-in booth. Both victims were transported to an area hospital, and the Raleigh Fire Department announced that the show would be closed for the rest of the day.
Two similar incidents occurred at entirely different gun shows in the Midwest, one in the Cleveland suburb of Medina, Ohio and the other at the state fairgrounds in Indianapolis, Indiana. In Ohio, one individual was brought to a hospital by EMS, and in Indiana an individual shot himself in the hand while trying to reload his gun in the show parking lot.
We can hardly wait for NEXT year when the show catches on.
That’s all, folks….
