Happy Birthday To Me
This is usually the day we deliver our State of The Bill Message along with our State of The Bill Photograph. The former is ready but the latter most certainly is not. For one thing, we’re still waiting for a prop for our photo. Secondly, we’re still waiting for my nose to begin to resemble that of a human after having recent basal cell surgery. We could present a fraudulent print, of course, but we long ago decided not to gild the lily in our photographs. This is what 71 years old looks like.
On the other hand, there is a chance that some of you who print these columns—and that is just about everybody—will leave them laying around and one could inadvertently fall into the hands of children. This would be a big shock to their tender little psyches, especially so near to Halloween.
“Mom! Somebody left a horrible picture of SCARFACE in our living room! I almost shit my pants!”
Lucy….you’d have some ‘splaining to do.
I don’t mean to infer that there is a large crevice that runs diagonally along my nose from top to bottom and that it might be a little deep. But do you know those mule rides to the bottom of the Grand Canyon that take a day to achieve? Well, they’d take three days to make it to the bottom of my gouge. Hikers who like to rappel down the sides of extremely high walls would have to tie six ropes together to get to the bottom of my canyon. Siobhan bought me some expensive cream to help prevent scarring and when the cream saw the scar it squeezed back into its tube, screaming. Okay, enough of the Jay Leno show, but you get the idea. It’s not a pretty sight. When people look at you, despite their best efforts not to stare, you can see their little minds warning them, better not fool around with THIS guy….he’s obviously some crazed knife-fighter with no regard for his own safety.
Obviously, this is not going to fix in a week but it’s got to be better. And, if not, we’ll shoot from my good side—which might be from behind. I’m not going to let it spoil my birthday, however. I’ve already been out in public to my last session at Kinetics.
“Marcy, who was that masked man,” the staff wanted to know. Kids these days. There’s almost no point in continuing to leave silver bullets. Not to mention the cost.
It’s A Long And A Dusty Road
It’s a hot and a heavy load. And the folks you meet aren’t always kind. Some are bad, some are good. Some have done the best they could. And some have tried to ease my troublin’ mind.
You look back on 71 years and wonder What the hell happened? How did I get from 25 to here so fast. And who is that person in the mirror looking back at me? I wound up in a pretty nice place but I see people all around me who made one tiny mistake and ended up in a blizzard of grief. I know a lot of those people on the street are there by their own choosing but some of them were just extremely unlucky. You can control a lot of things in life but much of it is a big crapshoot. You pursue what looks like a suitable career when you’re 19 and you can’t stand it by the time you’re 30. You pick out a pretty young wife (or husband) and, in ten years, he or she turns into Godzilla. You start rooting for the Miami Dolphins when Don Shula is the coach and now look at what a mess you’ve got.
So, for those of you out there with most of your good years left, put a little thought into your decisions. Then put a little more thought into them. An old girlfriend, Betsy Harper, used to tell me “One of the reasons I like you is because you’re a risk-taker.” And she was right, which is all well and good. And I still advocate taking risks. But always assess the possible consequences. I wish I had a mulligan on a couple of those decisions. So do we all.
Where Have All The Flowers Gone?
Long time passing. Every year, we lose people. Family. Friends. The guy at the 7-11 who sells you the newspaper every day. Some of them die. Some of them move. Some of them just retire and you never hear from them again. You meet new people, which is nice. But you got used to the old ones, the people you saw every day or twice a week or now and then or, at least, on occasions when you sought them out. They’re gone now. And they’re not coming back. So appreciate those remaining while you’ve still got them. A surprise phone call. An extra visit. Take the time. You’ll be glad you did.
Racing Report
Cosmic Crown, also known as Juno, is making a rare appearance in Miami in the 8th race at Calder Saturday, a starter-allowance at a short 5 furlongs. We’d prefer longer, but longer wasn’t happening and she hasn’t run since October 1. Cosmic Crown is still a bit of an unknown quantity so this race will be interesting. We expect her to be right there at the finish. But you know us.
Riding The Metro
Incoming this week from Kansas City is a fellow named Mark Metro. He’s coming to try to talk Siobhan into using his manufacturing facility. We suspect he’s secretly a Greek bearing gifts (Metro has got to be a reinvention of Metropolis or some such) but we’ll listen. Then, we visit Washington, D.C. from December 4th to the 6th for a meeting with the FDA as she attempts to get her drug, Oroquin-10, government-approved. Needless to say, we would have preferred to have this meeting during the Cherry Blossom Festival rather than snowplow-dodging time but that’s the way it goes sometimes. At least we’re staying in Georgetown, we can walk almost everywhere. If any of you out there are friendly with terrorists, please ask them to schedule their atrocities for some other time or, perhaps, to reroute them to Schenectady….we don’t have time to be ducking errant airplanes. Or flying bricks. Thanks in advance for your consideration.
An Important Public Service Announcement
We’ve had a great influx of readers—at least two more—since the last time we ran a photo gallery. So a few of you didn’t realize you could enlarge those Stuart Ellison photos merely by placing your cursor on top and depressing. Anyway, we’re leaving them up another week to give you a second chance. Besides, we like looking at them, too.
Not Your Mother’s Definition Of ‘Priority’
We always thought the U.S. Mail did a pretty good job of delivering our little packages on time and almost never losing them—until lately. With a raft of blood samples coming in daily from several sources—priority and regular mail, Fedex air and ground, UPS, etc.-- we’ve been forced to reevaluate. While Fedex and UPS haven’t lost a single package between them, U. S. Postal Service has bungled several. The most recent pair came from the Allegan Vet Clinic in Michigan, which shipped the first box by Priority Mail on October 14 and the second on October 19. They both arrived at our Post Office on November 1. Mule train would have been quicker. We called the Post Office’s alleged “customer service” number with no response. This is about the fifth time in the last month we’ve had this problem. Generally, we recommend our clients use the Post Office since the Priority Mail fee is about five dollars and the other shippers charge around fifteen. Obviously, the recommendation will change. “Priority Mail” is a joke, the only priority being for the Post Office to increase your delivery fee for treating your package the same way it treats the rest of the mail—with indifference. And if you think they treat “Express Mail” any better you’re dreaming. Here are a few like-minded comments from www.customerservicescoreboard.com/US+Postal+Service:
I recently mailed a package priority mail from North Carolina to Florida. With the tracking number, I can see that it is now in Anchorage, Alaska. I guess it is taking the scenic route to Florida. Oh, and even though I live in a small town, the clerks are just as rude and angry as those in big cities. That must be a prerequisite to get a job there now. (Unsigned)
Paid to have mail certified, return receipt requested. Letter never arrived at addressee. PO tracked the letter and said it had been received and had a signature. Only problem is they delivered it to the wrong address. (Howie)
My business relies on Flat Rate boxes, which I send out about 5 times a week. On three occasions, to Kansas and Hawaii, I sent large Flat Rate boxes which arrived (1.) five plus days after sending, and (2.) CRUSHED, with items in the boxes completely ruined. On October 27, I mailed two large Flat Rate boxes to Kansas. One arrived intact on the 29th, the other arrived totally destroyed and rewrapped with TREAD MARKS on it. This is my problem according to the Salina Post Office. This is unacceptable, to say the least. (Jamminmamma@earthlink.net)
This is truly the worst postal service I could ever imagine! I have had busted up glass packages which had the FRAGILE label on the box. I have had packages lost even with the tracking information available. I have had packages arrive late. I have had packages damaged and just thrown at my doorstep. My mother mailed me some pictures—every frame was busted up and shattered and they were even wrapped in bubble wrap with a tracking number, sent by Priority Mail and—fortunately—insured. Once, my grandmother mailed me a birthday card containing cash—admittedly not smart. The card was opened and the money was gone with the envelope resealed.
At my local Post Office on Central Avenue in Jersey City, the employees are so rude. They treat us worse than crap. One lady even cursed me out because I put the priority sticker on the “wrong” side of the box. I have filled out a complaint and people laughed in my face. I have stopped using the Postal Service. (worseUSPS)
There are millions of them. My favorite was from a guy who mailed out a book, which, of course, got lost. They later found it, unwrapped, in the Post Office rest room. It had page markers in it. Why spend money on books when you can simply steal them from customers? Anyway, we don’t expect this to get any better because, apparently, nobody at the Post Office really cares. We like Larry the Fedex man better anyway.
That’s all, folks….
