Greetings From Hurricania
Or almost Hurricania, at least. We dodged the first one but we’re not smug. We know that right this very minute, off the west coast of Africa, more of the little bastards are plotting against us. And all of our pals up north are still under the gun with Irene headed for NYC and Boston and right over the top of you, Kathy, in Salem, N.H.
The campaign for the Republican presidential nomination is heating up. John Huntsman, low on everyone’s radar, has taken to attacking pretty-boy Rick Perry. Sarah is making noises again about jumping in. I, myself, am considering running as an Independent. Unlike these other snakes-in-the-grass with all their back-room deals, however, I will present an upfront campaign in which I will tell you what I want for services rendered once I am elected. Oil-well drilling in a minor national park? Six million. Your name on the Oval Office? Three million. Why not—they do it with the football stadiums, right? If they can have Alltel Stadium, why not The Frito-Lay Oval Office? Or the Ortho Miracle-Gro Rose Garden? Just send me a note listing how much you have available to donate and we can find a spot for you, too. Just don’t wait too long—we don’t want to run out of stuff.
We’d like to warn all you right-wing, Earth-defiling Republicans out there that we’re going to talk about politics again this week so you might want to turn this off and go out and, like Scrooge McDuck, burrow through your money bins or cut off the electricity to your local orphanage. Siobhan, by the way, is always telling me I shouldn’t be so mean to Republicans, lest they stop reading my wonderful column, as some of them, no doubt, have. I tell her that if I get up some day, check the Google analytics and see that everybody is gone, I’ll just pack up my coffee cup and marking pencils and find something else to do on Thursday mornings. Besides, instead of tanking, our viewership continues to rise. Either many Republicans are masochists or the defectors are being offset by more enlightened readers. I feel that if I can save just one Republican each week my work here will be done.
Battle Hymn Of The Republicans/Okie From Muskogee (Merle Haggard)
We don’t smoke marijuana in Muskogee;
We don’t take our trips on LSD.
We don’t burn our draft cards down on Main Street;
We like livin’ right and bein’ free.
I’m proud to be an Okie from Muskogee,
A place where even squares can have a ball.
We still wave Old Glory down at the courthouse,
And white lightnin’s still the biggest thrill of all.
We don’t make a party out of lovin’;
We like holdin’ hands and pitchin’ woo;
We don’t let our hair grow long and shaggy,
Like the hippies out in San Francisco do.
Leather boots are still in style for manly footwear;
Beads and Roman sandals won’t be seen.
Football’s still the roughest thing on campus,
And the kids here still respect the college dean.
And I’m proud to be an Okie from Muskogee,
A place where even squares can have a ball.
We still wave Old Glory down at the courthouse,
And white lightnin’s still the biggest thrill of all.
We still wave Old Glory down at the courthouse,
In Muskogee, Oklahoma, USA.
Read My Lips—No New Texans!
Wasn’t it bad enough we had George Bush for eight years? And his father before him? Now we’ve got the worst Texan yet—preening Rick Perry, who looks like Reagan and talks like Yogi Berra. Perry has jumped to the top of the polls, as much an indication of Republican disenchantment with the rest of a dubious crew of candidates as anything.
Another religious fanatic (where do all these guys come from?), Perry is perhaps best known for his well-publicized desire to secede Texas from the United States, in which case he could be President-for-life. This would be OK by me, then he wouldn’t be bothering the rest of us.
Unfortunately, some old Sunday blue laws frown on secession and nobody really wants to get a visa just to follow I-10 to California, so we’re keeping Texas. And we’re confident that once people—even our dumb old voters—look into Perry’s background a little more, they’ll start groping around for another save-the-world candidate. If anybody needs a head start, consider these helpful advisories:
1. Perry proposed letting states drop out of Social Security and Medicaid.
2. Perry wants to repeal the 16th and 17th amendments, ending direct election of US Senators and the Federal Income Tax.
3. Texas is the nation’s biggest polluter, but Perry sued the Federal Government for disapproving the State’s air quality standards.
4. Perry gutted child-care services even as Texas’ childhood poverty hit 25 percent.
5. Perry is a stimulus hypocrite who loudly denounced Federal recovery money but used it to balance his state’s budget.
We could go on, but then we really would lose readers. Suffice to say, “next candidate, please.”
Snow White And The Eight Dwarves
Okay, here’s the latest poll, hot off the presses, with the Republican preferences:
Rick Perry..............29%
Mitt Romney...........17%
Ron Paul................13%
M. Bachmann.........10%
Herman Cain............4%
Newt Gingrich..........4%
Rick Santorum.........3%
John Huntsman........1%
Ok, everybody ready? Let’s have a quick review of the candidates, their policies, what attracts people to them and their real, honest-to-God chances of getting the nomination. This will save you all immeasurable research time and, even if you don’t give a fig who wins, you will appear politically astute to your friends and neighbors. Alright….let’s go!
Rick Perry 1. Brain dead. 2. Jesus freak. 3. Gay basher. 4. Gun nut. 5. Creationist loon. 6. Global warning denier.
Why they like him: Newest Savior. Looks like Reagan. Talks big. Reactionary grouch.
Chances of winning: Republican nomination—fair. Presidential election—slim. Won’t hold up under closer inspection.
Mitt Romney 1. Hypocrite. 2. Mormon. 3. Changes positions more than his socks. 4. Established public health care in Massachusetts.
Why they like him: Intelligent. Alternative candidate to religionists and right-wing droolers.
Chances of winning: Good. Will lose some support over Mormon background.
Ron Paul 1. Idealist, good man. 2. Quixotic policies. 3. Not very flashy—press largely ignored his very impressive close loss to Bachmann in Iowa, her birth state. 4. Tea Party favorite.
Why they like him: Honest man. Hewed to the same positions for 30 years. Likeable and quiet. Not given to sliming opponents.
Chances of winning: Zilch. Libertarian policies are too impractical.
Michelle Bachmann 1. Brain dead. 2. Jesus freak. 3. Gay basher. 4. Self-alleged gun nut. 5. Creationist loon. 6. Global warming denier. 7. Titanium spine (bad in airports).
Why they like her: Tea Party alignments. Bad taste in voting.
Chances of winning: When, and only when, hell freezes over.
Herman Cain 1. We’re not going to talk about Herman Cain. Herman Cain is a black man who is also a Republican, which is the ultimate not-knowing-which-side-your-bread-is-buttered-on gaffe. John Kennedy died for your sins, Herman Cain.
Newt Gingrich 1. Serial divorcer. 2. Fake Jesus freak. 3. Bumbling campaigner.
Why they like him: Nobody does.
Chances of winning: When hell freezes over and zombies walk the Earth.
Rick Santorum 1. Never heard of him. 2. We’re busy here, we have no time for Rick Santorum, whoever he is.
Chances of winning: When hell freezes over, zombies walk the Earth and Rick Perry gets a Mohawk haircut.
John Huntsman 1. Intellectual. 2. Mormon. 3. Previous Ambassador to China.
Why they like him: Apparently nobody does. Polling one percent. Bill Killeen could poll one percent. On a good day.
Chances of winning: When hell freezes over, zombies….well, you get the drift.
Training Report
Juno had her best work last Saturday, going 49.2 out of the gate, 5th best work out of 69 at the distance. There’s a race for her September 10. Wilson is galloping well and returns to Calder next week. Elf will two-minute-lick a quarter Saturday morning. Cosmic Song, no longer ours, runs in the eleventh race at Calder Friday.
The Skinny
Sad to report, old people have a habit of getting little skin cancers all over the place so we have to keep trooping down to the dermatology clinic to get them snipped off. Years ago, I had a couple of basal cell carcinomas removed from the side of my face, just in front of the ear. Later, I noticed another suspicious critter midway on my left jawline and pointed it out to the doctor. He looked at it with his giant magnifying glass and said it was something else. A year later, different doctor, same denial. I argued, told them it would ooze blood when I shaved, but they pooh-poohed it. You have to be your own doctor sometimes. I browbeat them into taking a biopsy. “That’s a cancer!” they finally agreed. “You’ll have to have that out right away.” No shit, dipwad.
By now, however, the thing was eating away flesh in both directions. It took them three tries and an excess of tissue to get it all. Needless to say, both sides of my face don’t look the same. Also needless to say, I don’t go there anymore. This time, I went to Shands in Gainesville. They take a pretty good look at Shands. They even look at your feet, for crying out loud. Anyway, I had a few cancers-to-be popping up on my face which they attacked with liquid nitrogen. It felt like I was being stabbed in the face with an ice pick. A very cold ice pick. The nice young doctor girl told me that people complained more about the liquid nitrogen treatments than they did about getting biopsies. Maybe that was to make me optimistic about the three biopsies which were coming next, one on my back, another on the neck and a surprising one on my nose. I can assure you the biopsies felt every bit as lousy as the liquid nitrogen. If the nose biopsy turns out to be a basal cell, I’m going to have a dent in my nose, like Jack Nicholson in Chinatown. What do you do then, keep a bandage on there all the time? People will begin to talk. Although, I’ll fit right in with the bum colony on CR 326.
“Hey, man—whatcha got there? New cut?”
“Yeah—had a little tiff with Crazy Eddie down at the 318 on-ramp. You should see the other guy.”
“Dang, you gotta be careful, Railroad Bill, you’re getting too old for this crap….”
Penultimate Advisory
Siobhan wants you to remember her Webinar is September 6th and everybody is required to tune in. There will be a pop quiz in the morning. You can get further information by writing us at the usual address. Be there or be square.
That’s all, folks….
