Most of us know when the Rolling Stones are in town or the football Gators are duking it out with the hated Tennessee Volunteers. Nobody’s going to miss the flashy UF Homecoming parade or Jeannie Uffelman’s annual naked post-Christmas bike ride down University Avenue. We try to stay up to watch the ball drop in Times Square on New Year’s Eve, get tickets for the grandkids to see Taylor Swift if she shows up somewhere within 300 miles or take in the brilliant holiday Nights of Lights in old St. Augustine. But sometimes we forget things, happenings we wanted to see or know about which slipped through our withering memory banks. Ah, but never fear, that’s what The Flying Pie Department of Little Wonders is for. We might not always be able to alert you in time to participate, but we’ll always be here to tell you what you missed.
The Museum Of Bad Gifts
Mounted on the walls of Toronto’s Northern Contemporary Gallery like pieces of fine art are some peculiar pieces which are strangely remindful of less popular Christmas presents. The collection is called The Museum of Bad Gifts, doomed presents which didn’t make the cut, sadly rejected by the giftees after moments of introspection and disappointment. Included are a framed fragment of cat food packaging, a stolen hotel bathrobe, a gingerbread man made of Astroturf, a carafe made from a cow’s hoof, a Muppet calendar CD-ROM and a drinking glass adorned with the words “Wine is win with an ‘e’ on the end.”
“Bad gifts are a universal experience,” Shari Kasman, one of the exhibit’s curators, tells a Toronto Star reporter. “All around the world, people are receiving bad gifts, whether given out of obligation or bad judgment.” Ahead of the one-week end of the year exhibit, the gallery put out a call for appropriate submissions, explaining that the definition of a bad gift is completely subjective and that all bad gifts should be celebrated equally. As Kasman admits to CBS News, “One person’s bad gift is another man’s gem.”
Kasman contends that organizing the show came with unique challenges, and participants had their own quandaries to contend with. What if the gift-giver has since died? Does that elevate the quality of the present? What if a giver is alive and sees their gift in the gallery? Oh-oh.
“Be they given out of obligation, wild misjudgments in character or pure apathy, bad gifts hold a special place in our hearts and in our homes,” the gallery declares on the exhibit website. “Many of us feel compelled to keep these gifts, even though we don’t want, need or like them. The Museum of Bad Gifts will place the culprits on center stage as we celebrate their glorious awkwardness, the chaos of holiday consumption and the rituals of giving/receiving.”
Hopefully, coming soon to a museum near you. Probably not.
While You were Sleeping….
1.---South Korea gave us a lesson on how real democracy works. After Republic of South Korea President Yoon Suk Yeol got hot under the collar and declared martial law, that country’s government impeached him and inserted Acting President Han Duck-soo, possibly because he has a much better name. ROK prosecutors also indicted the country’s defense intelligence commander Moon Sang-ho for conspiring with Yoon in the failed attempt at martial law. The two plotters have been exiled to the municipality of Baengnyeongdo and put on a strict diet of rice and silkworm larvae.
2.---Spry residents Marjorie Fitterman, 102 and Bernie Littman, 101, found love in their new digs at a Philadelphia nursing home after their longtime spouses passed away. After dating for nine years, they tied the knot, becoming the world’s oldest newlywed couple according to Guinness World Records, which knows about these things. “They keep each other young,” testified Rabbi Adam Wohlberg, a professional exaggerator who officiated at the ceremony. The happy couple received numerous gifts from admirers, including a lifetime supply of Viagra, matching walkers and an all-expenses-paid trip to the Spam Hall of Fame.
3.---Carnivorous squirrels were finally outed. Most of us conscientiously swerve to avoid those cute, fluffy-tailed rascals stuffing their faces with nuts, but now University of California at Davis researchers have photographed the critters viciously digging into rodent flesh. Ground squirrels were recorded hunting, killing and eating small rodents called voles, the first documented evidence of the animals lusting after meat. “I’ve never trusted those pesky bastards,” said Florida herpetologist Will Thacker. “Now it’s just the voles, but they’ll be coming after us next.”
4.---An Alabama woman is doing well after the latest experimental pig kidney transplant. Towana Looney is the fifth American given a gene-edited pig organ, freeing her from eight years of dialysis, and she’s not nearly as sick as prior recipients who died within two months of surgery. “It’s like a new beginning,” snorted Looney, 53, as she mucked about her sty. “I have amazing energy and the mud baths are great. I’ve developed a much healthier desire for vegetables and roots and I never realized how much fun it is to play with an empty 5-gallon water jug. Life is good.”
5.---Early in January, 468 West Palm Beach citizens showed up dressed as dinosaurs at the Cox Science Center and Aquarium to break the Guinness World Record (previously 252 dinos) held by a group in Los Angeles. That number was dwarfed by 3000 dino-clad celebrants in Drumheller, Alberta, the unofficial Dino Capital of Canada, who flooded the city’s streets wearing inflatable dinosaur costumes in an earlier attempt to make history. Alas, the best-laid plans of men and raptors often go awry and Drumheller’s record-breaking effort was disqualified due to a technicality in properly identifying and tracking participants. Bummer.
Throw Granny From The Plane, A Kiss, A Kiss…
Don’t fool around with Lily Ifield, especially on her birthday. Lily thought she’d celebrate her 79th by taking a four-day jaunt from England to Turkey on a cozy Jet2 flight which offered lunch if you wanted to pay for it. The lunch, which cost a hefty nine pounds, turned out to be a cold, soggy sandwich. Ms. Ifield said nuh-uh.
The miffed flight attendant said, “Madam, this is not a restaurant, it’s an airplane. You cannot just return your meal.” Okay then, just leave it there, instructed Lily; “I’m not paying.” Other members of the flight crew urged her to change her mind but Lily crossed her arms in protest.
Highly offended, the cabin crew notified the Bodrum airport police and arranged for the heinous criminal to be escorted from the plane upon landing. Ms. Ifield, a proud grandmother from Ware, West Herfordshire was very amused by the attention. “A cadre of police were standing at the entrance to the plane with guns drawn, like they were waiting for Jack the Ripper. It was all very entertaining,” reported Lily. “I turned around to others departing and told them ‘I think I’m being arrested over a sandwich. I’m being treated like a criminal over a bap.’”
The airport police, previously unaware of the nature of the crime and highly embarrassed, were last seen giving a stern lecture to the flight personnel before departing in a huff. Lily made the front page of the Bodrum Echo.
Finally, here’s an event you still have time to enjoy, especially if you need some car tires and feel a little lucky. For the first time ever, the Goodyear Company will give three fortunate citizens a chance to win a flight on its iconic blimp. Each winner will get a certificate for two passengers that can be redeemed at any of Goodyear’s three U.S. bases, which are in Pompano Beach, Carson, California and Akron, Ohio, plus a $3000 voucher for travel and accommodations. How often do you get a chance to visit beautiful Akron?
The contest is called “Buy for a Chance to Fly,” but despite the title all you have to do is visit on Goodyear.com or through Goodyear’s Auto Service or Just Tires network. No purchase is necessary, but it couldn’t hurt. Entries must be submitted by 11:59 p.m. EST on April 10, 2025. You must be a U.S. citizen 18 or older to enter. Winners will be drawn on or about April 18.
Only a meager 0.00006% of Americans, about the population of Toad Suck, Arkansas, have flown in the Goodyear Blimp. The first exotic flying machine, a helium-filled non-rigid airship named Pilgrim, was seen in the skies in 1925. Goodyear’s blimps have been used to protect ships and escort vessels in World War II and in peacetime pursuits. In 1955, a blimp flew over the Rose Parade for its first aerial broadcast. Since then, blimps have covered events across the country including the Super Bowl, the Indianapolis 500, various New Year’s Day bowl games, the Kentucky Derby, the World Series, the Olympic games and the Gainesville Flying Pig Parade.
The Goodyear blimps are 246 feet long, 65 feet wide, 19,780 pounds without helium and 100-200 pounds with, and have a top speed of 73 mph. The passenger gondola seats up to 14 people. And yeah, we know about the Hindenburg, but that was then and this is now.
By the way, if anyone has a crispy old ticket from the Hindenburg’s last flight, the Museum of Bad Gifts is drooling to talk to you.
That’s all, folks….