When we were kids, one of our favorite outings was to the Circus and, once there, we couldn’t wait to see the clowns. For a kid in early grade school, there is absolutely nothing in the world more hilarious than the Big Top arrival of the Clown Car, a glorified Volkswagen, a midget among vehicles, which lurches to a stop and begins to dispatch one….two….three….five….ten….maybe fifteen costumed critters who bounce from the car and begin to perform their outrageous antics. “How do they DO that?” the kids perplex, gaping in amazement at the impossibility of it all. And, of course, it is pretty phenomenal, even when you consider the Clown Car administrators remove all the interior features of the car, including the door panels and the headliner and any interior barrier to the trunk, leaving only a milk crate for the driver to sit on. The best part of being a kid is the endless capacity for wonder. And when you’re a kid, you never get tired of the clowns.
Move ahead fifty years or so. Now, the Clown Car is a worry. Every year about this time, the unwieldy Florida Legislature begins cranking up its rusty gears in preparation for another scary session. The various committees schlump into action in January and February in preparation for the glorious arrival of the world’s largest Clown Car on March third, after which the terrified citizens of the Sunshine State collectively hold their breath waiting to see what insane concoctions the clowns have prepared for this year’s Circus.
When the Subterranean Circus was extant, we had to await the annual threats of paraphernalia laws, guaranteed to put a crimp in your business if all you sell is paraphernalia. Eventually, of course, they appeared in all their radiant splendor, closing down businesses left and right, particularly in reactionary areas or counties which boasted extremist sheriffs. Fortunately for us, Alachua County law enforcement officials had better things to do and the paraphernalia law went largely ignored here for years, enabling our Circus to flourish, gaining business from visitors unable to purchase goods in most other areas of the state. Nonetheless, each year when the Legislature went into session, we waited for a heavier shoe to fall.
Now, it’s that time again. And unlike the past when there existed such now extinct animals as Moderate Republicans and Democratic Governors, the Florida Legislature is currently in wild-man mode, filled to the brim with right-wing lunatics and headed up by The Reptilian Vaudevillian, Governor Rick Scott, ex-resident of Mars, and we don’t mean the candy factory.
This year, the first bill zipping through the House of Alleged Representatives will be the wacko requirement that guns be allowed on college campuses, this the brilliant creation of some goober named Greg Steube, a 36-year-old nitwit from extremely conservative Sarasota, whose father was—you won’t believe this—a sheriff. This is all just part and parcel of the National Rifle Association’s Ultimate Plan to eventually move guns into high-school and elementary facilities and finally into kindergartens, all the while gambling that little Suzie doesn’t blast a few airholes in playmate Brucie’s noggin when he runs off with her Baby Einstein Octoplush.
Steube says he wasn’t influenced by the recent Florida State University library shooting of two students and an employee by a mentally disturbed alumnus named Myron May. Tallahassee police promptly offed the shooter but that was not good enough for Steube who figured that a properly armed passing cheerleader might have dusted off the culprit sooner. State Representative Steube does not want you to think he is some sort of irresponsible dipwad, avidly pointing out that only students with concealed weapons permits will be allowed to carry. Right.
We’re kinda wondering about recent reports of excessive binge drinking on college campuses, riotous fraternity parties and the like where people wake up next morning not certain of their current locations. Do we want these characters packing heat? What about Marjorie Morningstar, promised a new Corvette by her doting parents if she flashes a 4.0 grade point average? How exasperated will she be with Professor Muckinfutch’s unwavering B? It’s a dilemma. There’s still hope, though. Even though the Florida Senate is also dominated by Republicans, they seem a little more possessed of grey matter than their cohorts from Yahooland. Besides, there’s more important work to do on harsher birth control, climate ruin and the appropriate finance of Christian education. The Clown Car is coming! Get out of the way!
Sure We Could Save The Planet, But Eddie Would Be Out Of A Job
Does Global Warming exist? Silly question. You might as well be asking “Is Rush Limbaugh the reincarnation of Vlad The Impaler?” Everybody knows the answer, even Republicans who feign scorn. As with gun control, however, there’s many a buck to be made by insisting otherwise. The Global Warming deniers cannot, of course, admit they are slaves to Big Pollution, which finances their campaigns, so they have to hang their hats on the Red Herring hook. Therefore, every planet-enhancing measure which could be taken is “putting people out of jobs” in a dubious economy. And that’s one of the saner comments. Here are a few others:
“The world will end only when God declares its time is over,” according to Representative John Shimkus (R-Ill.) In his strange backwater of a mind, Shimkus thinks the planet is “carbon-starved,” and he wonders “if we decrease the use of carbon dioxide, are we not taking away plant food from the atmosphere?”
Speaker of the House John Boehner has asserted on ABC-TV that “the idea that carbon dioxide is a carcinogen that is harmful to our environment is almost comical. Every cow in the world, you know, when they do what they do, you’ve got more carbon dioxide.”
Testifying before Congress, E. Calvin Beisner of the loonytunes Cornwall Alliance for the Stewardship of Creation (we’re trying to figure out how to join) warned that fear of catastrophic man-made global warming is a mistake, arguing that because the “biblical worldview sees the world and ecosystems as the work of a wise God, humankind couldn’t possibly be affecting the climate.” Furthermore, restricting the amount of carbon put into the atmosphere would somehow harm the poor, and that “Americans are morally obligated to provide access for the poor to affordable, abundant fossil fuels.” This idiot was supported by another crackpot named Lord Christopher Monckton, who, in his spare time, acts as the Third Viscount Monckton of Brenchley, wherever the hell that is, and is a big hero in Denier World. Monckton says, “The right response to the non-problem of global warming is to have the courage to do nothing,” and agreed with Rep. Shimkus that “we are a carbon-starved planet.” Then he went back to knitting beer-glass coasters in his basement.
A Gathering Of Loons
Some comments from other Global Warming deniers:
Rep. Don Young (R-AK) “I think this is the biggest scam since the Teapot Dome scandal.”
Rep. Dana Rohrbacher (R-CA) “Just so you’ll know, global warming is a total fraud and it’s being designed because what you’ve got is you’ve got liberals who get elected at the local level want state government to do the work and let them make the decisions. Then, at the state level, they want the federal government to do it. And at the federal government, they want to create global government to control all our lives.” Oh. Well, thanks for clearing that up, Dana.
Rep. Jeff Miller (R-FL) “I have scientists that I rely on, the scientists that I rely on say our climate has changed. It wasn’t just a few years ago, what was the problem that existed? It wasn’t global warming, we were all gonna be an ice cube. We’re not ice cubes.” The scientists that Jeff relies on also believe the Moon is made of deep-fried avocados.
Rep. Todd Rokita (R-IN) “97% of some of the liberal scientists polled believe humans are doing this. This is not settled science just like perhaps many of those same scientists—97%, perhaps—believe there is no God. But they don’t know, there’s no science on that.” Yeah, Todd, but 97% of some of the liberal scientists can’t be all wrong. Right?
Rep. Steve King (R-IA) “Everything that might result from a warmer planet is always BAD in environmentalists’ view. There will be more photosynthesis going on if the earth gets warmer. And if the sea level goes up a little bit, I don’t know if we’d notice.” Steve—if we lived in Micronesia, we’d notice. Trust me.
Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY) “I am disappointed that the President is blaming droughts on ’human activity.’ As someone with a science-type background, I took offense at that.” Well, Tom, as someone else with a science-type background, I took offense that Kentucky keeps electing goobers to the House. Nobody cares.
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) “For everybody who thinks the climate is warming, I can find somebody who thinks it isn’t.” Well Mitch, as David Hannum famously remarked, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”
Rep. John Fleming (R.-LA) “In a quietly released scientific report without fanfare, Global Warming, to the extent that it ever existed, halted 16 years ago.” Well, THAT”S a relief! Okay then, Johnny, we’re cool, right?
And finally, an honest man. When Representative Erik Paulsen (R-MN) was asked if human beings are contributing to global warming he replied, “I don’t know. I’m not smart enough to know stuff like that.” Smarter than most, Senator Erik, smarter than most.
A Contribution From David Letterman
“Here’s good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting Global Warming, nip it right in the bud. Yep, that’s right. The President announced today that he’s sending 20,000 troops to the sun.”
A Report From The Front
January 23: Got the CBD Oil shipment yesterday and immediately tried some. My pain receded to a 1 in just a few minutes and everything became clearer and sharper. Wife Diane tried some this morning since she has somewhat different pain issues and is now a believer as well.
January 30: Basically, I am having a very positive experience with the CBD Oil. My normal pain level has shrunk a lot and my flexibility has improved greatly. It’s much easier to get up in the morning and my focus and alertness have noticeably improved. Curiously, my morning fasting blood glucose levels have been higher than usual but I don’t know if this is related or coincidental since pain and stress cause BG levels to rise. And I can’t find anything on the ‘Net about CBD causing blood glucose levels to spike.
I have been able to cut back on the hydrocodone that I have depended on for the past four years, so that’s something. I’m just gonna hafta find my own way with this, but for the first time in a long while I’m optimistic about dealing with this pain.—Harry Edwards, Austin, Texas
And you guys thought Medical Marijuana was just a silly fraud.
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen0942gmail.com
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