The Eeek! Eeek! Eeek! Eeek! Eeek-o-logical Blues
The irksome Trump administration has stirred up the ultimate game of Whac-A-Mole as frantic defenders with mallets race around helter-skelter trying to bop terrible administrative ideas back into their holes. It’s a losing fight, the projects are endless and worst of all are the icky environmental reversals. Donald Vader and his Not So Merry Men have decided it’s a capital idea to strive for Elbonian levels of air quality and poison water, sell off Alaska to BP and ExxonMobil and stick a Chick-fil-a on top of Half Dome, the better to pay off the band of hyenas which finaced their ugly ascension. The United States has abruptly seceded from the community of nations which has unified to battle the demise of the planet, questioning the accuracy of a threat long acknowledged by Bill Nye, The Science Guy and virtually every other scientist not wearing a silly MAGA cap.
Picture this: a tri-force invading army from offended nations stands poised on the Canadian border at British Columbia, Ontario and Quebec, ready to march in and discombobulate the last threat to the Earth’s environmental destruction, the poison-spewing U.S.A. Forced to make a difficult choice, thousands of Americans stand with them, ready to reclaim their native land from the band of conscienceless jackals which has seized power. It’s like the Normandy invasion all over again. So we ask you: which side will you be on?
Return Of The Jedi
While Emperor Trump fiddles and Rome, N.Y. burns, a small rag-tag band of rebels is making progress elsewhere. Bill Gates, Ban Ki-Moon, Kristalina Georgieva and Princess Leia are leading a new initiative to convince world leaders and businesses to invest in resilience efforts to protect from the effects of climate change. The Global Commission on Adaptation is tasked with convincing the world to up its game and invest $300 billion annually on such efforts.
On September 10, the GCA opened an office in Rotterdam, Netherlands, then on October 17 another in Groningen. At the opening of the second, Ban said that adapting to climate change “will require a complete transformation of policies, programs and projects across governments, the private sector and civil society.” He noted that without urgent adaptation, food, energy and water security will be threatened for decades, and that economic growth and poverty reduction are only possible if more is invested in adaptation.
The GCA is led by countries and organizations which have been leaders in adaptation, including China, the Marshall Islands, Mexico, Netherlands, Philippines and the United Kingdom. The GCA will present its findings and recommendations at the UN Climate Summit in September of 2019.
Even under the current U.S. administration, emissions have been falling and the renewable energy sector is booming. The fact that an IPCC report is making front page news in The New York Times and The Washington Post and is trending across the Internet is a clear signal that people are waking up to the need to act on climate.
Environmentalists in the Netherlands recently won a major victory in a landmark case that aims to force the Dutch government to increase its cuts to carbon emissions from 17% to 25% by 2020. Other governments will be similarly challenged in the near future. The courts present an exceptional opportunity to accost administrations which are dragging their feet. And there are other signs of hope. Only days ago, the World Bank refused to invest in a new 500mW coal plant, claiming it couldn’t compete with renewable energy on price. Other financiers will inevitably follow their lead.
Meanwhile, Princess Leia has organized a modestly-equipped guerrilla band to strike from hidden bases scattered across the vast northlands of snowy Canada. “In a matter of days,” she boldly declares, “we will retake Half Dome.” R2-D2 and C3PO are kicking ass and taking names.
More Good News!
Earlier this year, NASA published evidence from their Aura satellite proving for the first time that the hole in the ozone layer above Antarctica is recovering. The satellite observes chlorine levels around the ozone hole and chlorine is the chemical which has been destroying the ozone layer. The declining levels of chlorine are probably due to the international embargo on chlorofluorocarbons. And you doubters grumped about your Ban deodorants.
A November, 2017 trial illustrated that a new method of coral growing could work. Scientists collected coral spawn and eggs which grew into larvae and mature coral in a lab. Damaged areas of the Great Barrier Reef had these young coral growths transplanted into them. Eight months later, the young coral survived and were thriving. Some of them were riding Australian roller coasters.
Honeybee populations are on the rise. Despite doomsday warnings following the apian colony collapses of recent years, the bees are showing signs of recovery. The U.S. Department of Agriculture released a 2017 report showing an estimated 2.89 million bee colonies in existence in America, 3% more than the previous year. Hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Elon Musk’s Tesla company is developing high capacity batteries which store energy generated from renewable sources like wind, solar and hydroelectric power. This means these sources will be able to provide energy when the sun isn’t out and the wind isn’t blowing, which is the primary deficiency with renewable energy. The batteries are already working in Hawaii, which has set a target of using nothing but renewable energy by 2045. I hope to be there for the party. I’ll only be 105. Maybe Elon has a battery for me.
In 2017 alone, solar power projects received $160.8 billion in investments, a booming 18% more than in 2016. It also made solar power the most invested-in energy source in 2017. Countries around the world installed 98GW of new solar capacity in 2017, far more than the net installations of any other kind of energy generation. Countries commissioned a record 157GW of capacity for renewable energy last year, much higher than the net 70GW of fossil-fuel generating capacity installed in 2017. China was the biggest investor in solar energy, installing 53GW of solar capacity, investing $86.5 billion, a whomping increase of 58% over 2016. This makes 2017 the eighth year in a row that global investment in renewables exceeded $200 billion. Since 2004, the world has invested $2.9 trillion in green energy sources. Maybe we’ll all be speaking Chinese, after all.
Several species are no longer on the International Union for Conservation of Nature’s endangered or critically endangered lists. Giant pandas were downgraded from “endangered” to “vulnerable,” as were snow leopards. Iberian lynx were downgraded from “critically endangered” to “endangered.” But we have promises to keep and miles to go before we sleep.
In England, the five pence plastic bag charge has had a whopping effect on the amount of plastic found on British Beaches. The Marine Conservation Society found that the amount of plastic bags on British beaches was down a colossal 37% just a year after the charge was introduced in 2015. In 2015, volunteers found 11 plastic bags per 100 square metres on British beaches, a year later only 7 per 100 square metres. In Wales, where the charge was put in place in 2011, a mere four bags per 100 square metres were found. Further proof of the old axiom: “Money Talks and Bullshit Walks.”
Mighty Mouse Is On The Way!
In a historic milestone for oceanic conservatism, the much-anticipated Ocean Cleanup Initiative created by a mere yout’ from the Netherlands has successfully set sail and is now undergoing final tests before it attacks the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. After discovering this horrible mess in the 1990s, scientists avowed it would take thousands of years to clean it up. “Not so fast, my friends!” demurred Dutch teenager Boylan Slat in his TEDx Talk. “I can do it in ten years if you’ll help me with some special machinery.” Out of the mouths of babes.
Naturally, eyebrows were raised in scorn. Boylan Slat, however, dropped out of college, gathered $2.2 million in crowdfunding and millions more from interested investors. He now employs 70 engineers, researchers and scientists for his vessel System 001 (which Slat calls “Wilson”). Once final tests have been competed, System 001 will be towed 1000 nautical miles to the Great Mess to begin cleanup. The garbage island, now twice the size of Texas is currently drifting halfway between the coast of California and the Hawaiian Islands. Over a trillion pieces of debris have collected there because of the swirling vortex of current.
“I am incredibly grateful for the tremendous amount of support we have received over the past few years from people around the world,” says the Boylan Wonder. “It has allowed us to develop, test and launch a system with the potential to begin to mitigate this ecological disaster.”
Tell you one thing. When the kid finally goes back to school, he’ll have a hell of a subject to discuss when he writes his paper about “What I Did On My Summer Vacation.”
The Fading Future Of Flatulence
Leave it to the Swiss. Ecologically conscious to a fault, Agolin, a firm based in Biere, Switzerland, has started producing a special livestock feed that can reduce a cow’s methane production by up to 10%. That’s a lot of farting when you consider United Nations research which contends cow flatulence produces 4% of all those nasty greenhouse gases that are fouling up the planet.
“We sell our mixture for around one million cows per year and there are 25-28 million cows in the European Union, so it is a big percentage,” attests company founder Kurt Schaller. “That represents 300,000 tonnes of CO2 reduction today.” The feeds are made using herbs, spices and botanical compounds that reduce bovine flatulence and also improve livestock’s milk production and gut health.
If Kurt wants to do mankind an even greater favor, he can do himself one better. How about some special feed for all those Mexican restaurants?
Take The Bus And Leave the Breathing To Us
The Go-Ahead Group, one of the largest bus and rail operators in England, has just launched a bus that sucks up pollution as it travels. The Bluestar prototype is the first bus in the UK that can clean city air. No kidding. The thing is fitted with an air filter which collects extra-fine pollution particles and spews out purified air at the front of the vehicle, sorta like a book censor. The filter works with 99.5% efficiency, but nobody’s perfect.
According to studies conducted by the filter’s manufacturer, the bus will clean the air on its route to Southampton at a rate of 16 times a year to a height of 10 meters, so if you’ve got asthma you know where to move.
“We want this pilot to show that buses should be looked at as not just the solution to congestion in cities but also as a solution to the air quality problem,” says Go Ahead’s chief executive, David Brown. “As the bus removes the ultra-fine particles from the air as it travels along the route, it is helping solve the air quality problems of the city.” Good job, David. Would you mind giving a call to those backward folks at Greyhound?
The Sublime Benefits Of Sewage
Ever wondered what to do with all your old sewage? It doesn’t bring much at yard sales and they charge ridiculous prices to haul it down the road. Well, now you can call Ingelia, but be careful, it’s long-distance. Ingelia is a Spanish business that has created a biocarbon product called “biochar” from sewage waste. If we Americans are so brilliant, how come it takes all these Europeans to come up with these things? The little pellets of biochar give off zero CO2 emissions and amazingly small rates of harmful substances such as sulphur, nitrogen and chlorine.
“Under specific pressure and temperature conditions, 20 bars and 200 degrees centigrade, we dehydrate the organic matter and siphon off the humid matter in liquid form,” says company CEO Marisa Hernendez in Business Insider. “In other words, we concentrate 95% of the carbon in the waste.” Dang. Wish we’d thought of that.
Not only does the biochar offer a perfect sustainable replacement for burning coal, it also offers a more sustainable solution for sewage treatment. The standard composting process that is currently utilized by most waste treatment facilities requires 30 long days of energy and maintenance. Ingelia, on the other hand, uses a process called “hydrothermal carbonization” to burn off all of the harmful substances in the sewage until it becomes a hard, dry pellet of fuel. The process only takes from 6-8 hours to complete and because it is kept within a sealed tank there are almost no bad smells as a result of the procedure. With the way the company is progressing, Hernandez says that we could be diverting a million tons of carbon from the atmosphere by 2022. And I’ll definitely be here for that.
That’s all, folks…except for this:
An Afterthought
Excuse us for being so puffed up, but this sort of thing just happens every so often. Ergo, a fitting poetry outburst. After that, we’ll go back to our room.
No One At The Bat
The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Dodger nine that day:
The score stood 1 to 5 with but two innings left to play.
But Price walked patient Taylor to initiate the eighth
And the top of L.A.’s order would be coming to the plate.
The Red Sox fans were nervous as they watched the pen spellbound
And saw the slight Joe Kelley come advancing toward the mound.
“Oh-oh!” a few contended. “Oh no!” the rest complained;
“Joe K. will walk eleven and capitulate the game!”
But Kelley was unruffled as Kemp pinch-hit for Barnes,
He struck him out in no time and gaily waved his arms.
He did the same with Pederson, and Bellinger to boot;
The doubters in the gallery began to whoop and hoot.
The Dodger fans grew restless as the final inning came.
If their heroes didn’t rally, there’d be no more Series games.
But in the home team’s dugout, the tempers were ablaze,
They had rallied oft before and they would again today.
And now, out past the outfield, a battered pitcher rose,
A gaunt and used up combatant came forth to meet the foes.
The bullpen pitchers stood as one and clapped as he marched by;
Chris Sale, the Boston hero, would make another try.
The Dodger fans grew hopeful. This man was surely through.
His speed was down, his weight was off, what could he really do?
The bearded Justin Turner smiled, advancing to the plate,
He’d been the team’s best hitter, he’d test the Red Sox’ fate.
The pitcher hiked his britches up and let the spheroid fly
And Turner barely noticed as the little pill shot by.
Hernandez followed Turner and received an equal dose.
The Dodger bats were flailing and it wasn’t even close.
So now up came Machado, a braggart and a lout.
“Do your best,” he shouted, “but you’ll never get me out!”
Sale’s countenance was twisted. He flashed an evil smile.
Machado missed the fast ball; he missed it by a mile.
The sneer is gone from Manny’s lip, his teeth are clenched in hate.
He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate.
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he zips it through.
Machado stands there awestruck; the umpire roars “Strike Two!”
The batter stands in outrage as the smoke pours from his ears,
He makes a pact with Satan, he routs his inner fears,
He promises his ancestors, he grinds his teeth in pain
And swears that fitful baseball won’t get by his bat again.
Sale reaches back with fierce resolve and lets the apple fly,
It screeches halfway to the plate, then flies up to the sky,
It circles twice around the field and does an Irish jig,
Then heads back for Machado with a zag and then a zig.
The batter is astounded as the ball flies swift and free,
He takes a mighty swing at it and crumbles to his knees.
Oh, somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout,
But there is no joy in La-la Land, the Dodgers have struck out.
