“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”----Albert Einstein
Is mankind getting dumber? Hint: voters in the United States just elected Donald Trump president. Grey’s Anatomy has been on American television for fourteen years. The New England Patriots traded crackerjack backup quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo to the San Francisco 49ers for a ham sandwich. And don’t talk to us about Elon Musk. Elon Musk is merely the exception which proves the rule. Our technology may be getting better but the overall population is on a precipitous slide. A recent study, in fact, alleges that the populations of Western countries have lost 14 IQ points on average since the Victorian Era. Study co-author Dr. Jan te Nijenhuls, professor of work and organizational psychology at the University of Amsterdam, points to the fact that women of high intelligence tend to have fewer children than do women of lower intelligence. Dr. te Nijenhuls and colleagues analyzed the results of 14 intelligence studies conducted between 1884 and 2004, including one by Sir Francis Galton, an English anthropologist and a cousin of Charles Darwin. Each study gauges participants’ visual reaction times---how long it took to press a button in response to seeing a stimulus. Reaction time reflects a person’s mental processing speed and so is considered a good indication of general intelligence. In the late 19th century, visual reaction times averaged around 194 milliseconds. In 2004, that time had grown to 275 milliseconds. Twenty years from now, you may have to hit a subject upside the head with a tire iron to get any reaction at all. Next election, Kim Kardashian could be elected president. Is that nervous laughter we hear?
Is There Hope?
Not much. In the United States, the public school system is breaking down, partly a result of a tidal wave of “charter schools,” private academies for monied Christian families which allow their children to refrain from integrating with African-Americans, Hispanics and other rowdy nogoodniks. (Asians are acceptable due to the needs of such institutions to field competitive chess teams and excel in spelling bees.) Until recently, these schools were required to finance themselves. Now, thanks to the largesse of Republican legislators, they are getting government funding, money which is no longer going to the public schools. Yet another failing in the separation of church and state, and a further lowering of standards in public education. Well, the students at these well-endowed places must be getting smarter, at least, right? Sure, that’s bound to be the case when the administrations eliminate Science class and replace it with Creationism. The horizon, indeed, is bleak. Fortunately for mankind, however, we still have:
The Darwin Awards
Some might call them a celebration of ignorance. Others would note they are merely recognizing individuals who have contributed to human evolution by selecting themselves out of the gene pool either via death or sterilization due to their own cleverness. They are the infamous Darwin Awards, tongue-in-cheek honors originating from Usenet newsgroup discussions around 1985. The Awards became more formalized with the creation of a website in 1993 and a series of books starting in 2000 authored by Wendy Northcutt. The criterion for the awards states: “In the spirit of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner thereby improving our species’ chances of long-term survival. Accidental self-sterilization also qualifies.” Candidates are disqualified if innocent bystanders who might have contributed positively to the gene pool are killed in the process.
The candidate’s foolishness must be unique and sensational. A number of stupid but common activities like smoking in bed are excluded from consideration. In contrast, Self-Immolation caused by smoking after being administered a flammable ointment in a hospital and specifically told not to smoke is grounds for nomination. One “Honorable Mention” in this category went to a man who attempted suicide by swallowing several nitroglycerine pills and then tried to detonate them by running into a wall.
Killing a friend with a hand grenade would not be grounds for nomination, but killing oneself by manufacturing a homemade chimney-cleaning device from a hand grenade would be. Merely causing death to a third party is insufficient. Nominees must be at least past the legal driving age and free (sort of) from mental defect. Without further ado….
The Envelope, Please!
1. Garry Hoy, Lawyer.----Hoy was a respected Toronto attorney and philanthropist, now sadly remembered for his embarrassing death. While attending a reception for new articling students, he boasted of his boardroom’s new unbreakable windows, then decided to demonstrate their indestructible qualities by throwing himself against them. This was a stunt he had pulled several times before to impress visitors and always found the lawyer harmlessly bouncing off the glass. Not this time. This time, the indestructible window shattered and lawyer Hoy plunged 24 stories to the courtyard below. Guest student Daniel Filroy wondered, “Does this mean we don’t get cake?”
2. Marc Aaronson, Astronomer.----All of us are a bit absent-minded at times, but award-winning astronomer Marc Aaronson carried it to the extreme. Aaronson was working late at night at the Kitt Peak National Observatory in Tucson, Arizona when he claimed his award. In order to ensure that the sky was clear enough of clouds for accurate viewing, the astronomer periodically stuck his head out of a hatch at the top of the dome, neglecting the Golden Rule of the observatory that one doesn’t check outside the dome when the telescope is in motion. The observatory designers had also idiot-proofed the telescope by making it shut down just in case someone did accidentally open the hatch. Unfortunately for Marc, however, the dome’s momentum kept it turning for a few seconds after being switched off, long enough for the access ladder on the side of the dome to collide with the hatch, crushing Aaronson like an eggshell. Guest astronomer Daniel Filroy was aghast. “Does this mean we don’t get cake?” he sputtered.
3. Louis Dethy, Grouch.----Louis Dethy was a senior citizen with issues. His wife divorced him, his grandchildren abandoned him and his mother bequeathed the house he had built her to one of his daughters. Dethy, a retired engineer with a penchant for booby traps, was mad as hell and he wasn’t going to take it any more. In a whirlpool of diabolic activity, the 79-year-old maniac turned his home into a death trap. He used nylon fishing wire to rig up 19 concealed shotguns to common household items such as stacks of plates and crates of beer, intending to demolish anyone who would come to claim his rightful fortune. Louis, however, had an incredibly bad memory and probably forgot where all the traps were. He accidentally triggered one of them and fired a shotgun blast into his own neck, bleeding to death. Police officers were nearly killed rummaging around the debris. It took the authorities three weeks to discover the rest of the booby traps. Detective Daniel Filroy brightened up at the end of the activities. “There’s a little cake in the refrigerator, boys!” he smiled.
4. Kyat Rahnajet, Terrorist.----Who knew correct postage was a life or death matter? Iraqi terrorist Kyat Rahnajet, an obvious amateur at his trade, decided one day to send out a letter-bomb. It was all the rage, all the Iraqis were doing it. He followed the internet instructions in concocting his device and placed it in a box addressed to the intended victim. It was at this point, Kyat made the first of three critical errors. He wrote his own return address on the box, a first-degree breach of Terrorist Handbook Rules, but still not lethal. Next, however, he neglected to place sufficient postage on the box, which was promptly returned. Happy to receive a rare piece of mail, Kyat ripped open the package without thinking. What’s that song---“Boom Goes The Dynamite?” You get the picture.
5. Eric Banya, Projectile.----Eric, 22, of Reston, Virginia had it all figured out. Eschewing the expense of commercial bungee operations, he would jump from a local bridge all by himself. How hard could it be? First, of course, he carefully measured the length of the jump, approximately 70 feet. Then, he secured several bungee cords and tied them together, double-checking the knots to prevent slippage. Finally, he strapped himself up securely and painstakingly attached the other end of the cord to the bridge. Then Eric jumped, confident in the knowledge he had all his bases covered. His last words were “Geronimo-o-o-oh, NO!” You’ve all heard of the police blotter? That’s what the cops mopped him up with a little later. Seems that in calculating the distance of the jump, Eric forgot that bungee cords stretch.
6. Robert The Great, Jet Ski Jumper.----Despite all the harebrained stunts pulled off through the years at the famous Niagara Falls, noone had ever been crazy enough to jetski over the top. Not until Robert the Great came along. Preposterous as the idea may seem, Robert had it all figured out. He would fit his jetski with a rocket booster, ala Evel Knievel, and a parachute. He would fire the booster as he hit the falls, thus opening the parachute at the apex of his flight and gently drifting down to safety below. Sound good? Well, except for one thing. Robert failed to factor in one crucial element, the fact that water makes things wet. As he hurtled toward the falls and pushed the button, his totally soaked rocket booster failed to ignite. Plummeting off the edge, he tried his parachute, the non-waterproof one. Sorry, wrong number. Robert was last seen shaking hands with Eric Banya somewhere east of Oblivion.
Occasionally, if you’re unusually lucky, you get to pull off a Double-Darwin. Ohioans Musa and Essa, unhappy with their fast food enterprise, hired their friendly neighborhood arsonist to burn down their Steak Thyme sub shop, the better to collect a pocketful of insurance money. Alas, the boys picked a lunkhead to perform the task. Three times the firebug tried and three times he failed. The Molotov cocktail through the window fizzled out. The gasoline-soaked chairs caused minor damage. The fertilizer bomb was a dud. The middle-American neighborhood was up in arms over these hate crimes apparently directed against the poor Jordanian immigrants.
Musa became frazzled. For the fourth arson attempt, he and his son would lend assistance to the hired hand. The three of them spread oceans of gasoline around the stubborn eatery, determined to finally succeed. When they were through, they naturally took a cigarette break. Maybe they couldn’t translate those American TV commercials that tell you smoking is hazardous to your health. One flick of a lighter later, an explosion took out one wall and burned the two perpetrators to a crisp. The third escaped with serious burns, earning the clever nickname “Sparky” from his mates at the prison. Voila!---the rare Double-Darwin, a historical accomplishment seldom equalled. Not that there aren’t idiots out there trying.
That’s all, folks….
